We've designed this post for all of you teenagers out there (though it's relevant to everyone!). Our heart goes out to you!!! For all of us, the teen years were some of the most challenging, and we can't help but wish we could go back and whisper some words of advice, warning, and support to ourselves at such a critical time. So we've each compiled a short list of what we would say and hope so much it helps you get through (and better enjoy!) this wonderful/horrible/exciting/terrifying/building/confusing/happy/sad (#beingateenager) time of life! From Sam... 1. Live with purpose because the decisions you make right now can affect your life forever- being young is a time of being fancy-free. Although I stressed about homework, what to wear, sports, etc. my world was relatively care-free. I really didn't consider much beyond here and now. As I became an older teen, was dating someone for longer I started seeing things farther in the distance than just homecoming, the SAT, or basketball training season. I started thinking of things like marriage, college, and a future career and examine if the choices I was making would put me in a place that I'd want to be in the future. Do you want to marry the type of person you're dating? Do you want to get pregnant out of wedlock? Do you want to go to college? Look at where you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years and compare it to the decisions you're making. Live everyday with purpose; meaning you purposefully working toward your goals. 2. Superficial things are just that: SUPERFICIAL! Things aren't as crucial as they seem. I used to worry so much about what I was going to wear, how I did my makeup, if I was popular, what others thought of me, etc. and you know what??? It just doesn't matter. My parents had fairly strict rules about how I dressed growing up. I used to feel so stressed that my friends would notice that my prom dress had sleeves, or my shorts were longer, or I couldn't wear tank tops. About five years after I graduated I was talking to a guy friend about it and he said, "I never even noticed. I think everyone just always thought you looked classy." We create an imaginary audience and assume that people are thinking something. The reality is that everyone is so busy worrying about themselves and doesn't even have time to think much about you and what you're wearing. 3. Be kind. If I could change one thing about my life I wish I could go back in time and be more kind. My favorite part of Cinderella with Lily James is when her mother tells her to "have courage and be kind". I love it because the truth is that it does take courage sometimes. It isn't always easy. It's easier to be a coward, and to be self-centered, but kindness is the most memorable quality. Mother Teresa said, "Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier". Choose to be that person who leaves others better than you found them. From Molly... 1. Care more about who you are than how you look. You're getting ready for a social event. You've picked out your outfit, nailed it. You've done your hair, nailed it. You've put on your makeup, a touch of lip gloss, nailed it. You've even thought through scenarios that might come up so that you can handle them perfectly and...nail it! So then you get to the event...and you're so busy worrying about how you look, how you appear, and what people think that you miss the most important part - connecting with and lifting the people around you. You miss the boy in the corner completely by herself who's feeling self-conscious and whose parents are in the middle of a divorce. You miss the girl who is acting like she has it all together and flirting and making jokes while underneath all of the frills she's struggling with an eating disorder. And you might even miss the person who could become the best friend you'll have because he or she doesn't seem "cool enough". Every single decision that I regret from high school I made because I cared about what other people thought more than about who I was. Don't make that mistake! You don't just want people to like you. You want people to respect you, and you NEED to respect yourself. Decide the person you want to be. Really sit down for a few minutes and think about it, and then surround yourself with people who will support you in your goals. 2. Figure out who you are independent of a significant other - this is what gives you confidence. It's completely normal and natural to want a boyfriend/girlfriend at this age (though some people won't have that desire until they're older). We're attracted to each other for a reason, and those relationships can be really building and fulfilling. However, when you attach yourself to another person too seriously when you're young, it's too hard to define yourself independent of them. Essentially, who you are becomes completely tied up in someone else. Why does it matter? Because you want to know who you are before you fully commit yourself to someone else. By far the majority of high school relationships eventually end. So where are you left when it comes to a close and you have no idea who you are without that person? Lonely, self-conscious, and really confused. So then you just want to jump back into another relationship to fill the gap. To be honest, in my experience, having a serious boyfriend in high school isn't nearly as fun as enjoying who I am and going on dates for fun. In college I didn't have a serious boyfriend, and it was sooo much fun! I went on dates, but then I would spend a ton of time with my girlfriends, go to social events and meet a bunch of new people, sing at open mic nights with friends, explore the city together, write music, work on goals, develop my spirituality, throw myself into my studies, and essentially I developed the foundation for my future life. And that was so much easier when I was independent. Because I was independent and confident in who I was and what I wanted, when it came time to decide if Aaron was the guy for my forever, it was easy to tell, easy to decide, and has been easy to love and lift each other for the past 6 years. 3. If you're feeling something, you can safely assume other people are feeling the same, so be the leader. My mom explained this to me when I was in high school. If you're feeling insecure, someone else is too. If you're uncomfortable, someone else is to. If you're lonely, someone else is too. If you're confused, someone else is too. So in these hard times instead of focusing on yourself, focus on uniting with and uplifting other people who feel the same. Teenagers are SEARCHING for someone to follow - so you take the lead! Show what confidence looks like, what honesty looks like, what fun looks like! If you are kindly leading the way, who will be other people's saving grace, and it will dramatically boost your confidence. This perspective is what made me try out for a play my first month in a new school freshman year, and consequently meet my 3 best friends. This is what made me go sit by people I didn't know in the cafeteria my first day at college and consequently made tons of friends from all over the world. It's what made me leave a movie theater with friends junior when I felt uncomfortable, and other people that followed confided they were so glad I went first. This is even what made us start this blog because we knew there are ALWAYS other people who feel the same way and need encouragement! 4. This is Aaron's two cents...he says he would tell himself "it's all going to be worth it". All of the hard work, all of the self-control, all of the awkward moments, the living what you believe, the goals, and the follow through. It is all worth it after high school. You're building the foundation for your future. (And might I add that I am soooo thankful for the foundation he created!)
From Emma... Hard things are inevitable. That's true for every stage of life. However, our choices often determine what those hard things will be. As a teenager I didn't fully understand what that meant. As a teen I felt pretty out of place a lot of the time. I didn't have a lot of close friends I could personally rely on because I didn't feel like I could relate to a lot of people my own age. At a social event you'd more often find me talking to people 40+ rather than my own age. I felt like they got me better and I liked to learn from the things they had to say. Don't get me wrong, I was fun and loved going to dances, etc. I liked to do social things. But then I went home and felt twinges of loneliness. I remember complaining to my mom on a weekend one night because I had "nothing to do" and "no one wanted to hang out with me" (please hear the exaggeration in those sentences that felt all too real at the time). Her response was this, "call someone." Pretty simple right? Lesson 1: If you don't like the way something is, change what you're doing. The only person that can change your circumstance is you. She proceeded to also say that there had been people that tried to reach out but I wasn't always the best at reciprocating. True. Lesson 2: Relationships require investment. I've thought of why I valued those relationships with people 25 years my senior so much and looking back I can tell you; they understood and supported my dreams and aspirations. They encouraged me to be my best self. They didn't burden my mind with insecurities and self doubt. But thinking back, if I had been more open with people my own age instead of so insecure, and more accepting than judgmental out of fear, I probably would have found those same qualities in them. Lesson 3: It's all about perspective. I'm a photographer and every time I adjust my lense I see things differently through the camera. As a teenager I wish I would have been better at changing out my lenses and looking for different perspectives. If there is a a circle painted on the wall and three people are asked what color it is, a person who sees color might say red, a color blind person might say green, and a blind person might say, "there is no dot." And they would all be a little bit right. Lesson 4: Everyone is a little bit right when it comes to most things and even if they are a certain way now it doesn't mean they always will be. And finally... Lesson 5: Don't gossip. It's not nice...ever. My mom used to say when I would tattle on my siblings or complain about another person, "you worry about you." Good advice. Everyone needs a friend and acceptance and no one will ever look back in the future, yourself included, and say, "I wish they hadn't been so nice." It takes strength of character to build instead of belittle, invite instead of insult, care instead of cut. There are a lot more years after high school than in it but your behaviors determine if it will be more of the same, and that could be good or bad. You can be the person you want to be later, now. But then, I guess it all depends on how you view it.
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The Future Is Made Of A Million Nows - Me A bit about my life... Aaron and I have been married 6 years and have 2 kids. He has one year left of his Masters Program in Mechanical Engineering and we have been in school mode or the "building years" since before our wedding. Six months after getting married I went through an intense bout of anxiety that led to 6 months out of school living with our parents and 3 months of counselling. One of the greatest blessings that emerged from that experience is the realization that I really can be the person I want and live the life I want. Since then I've spent countless hours developing and redeveloping a vision of what I do want in life and a plan to make it happen. I've learned that if you're miserable with plan A B and C then there IS a plan D out there. You just need to figure out your priorities and then make a realistic plan. This isn't to say you can always have exactly what you want when you want it, but from my experience, that isn't true fulfillment anyways. This is about finding fulfillment in the day to day through embracing the control you have over your own journey. I believe that true fulfillment is living in harmony with your deepest values and long term vision. It is being sure that all of your efforts are building the life of your dreams, today and every tomorrow. So let's get out a piece of paper. I looooove writing things down! On the left side label it "Vision", draw a line down the center of the page and on the right side label it "Plan". Now brace yourself for some serious introspection and reflection! You're going to create and sketch a simple and systematic vision for your life. Why is vision important? Because in a fulfilled life, vision drives every decision. It is the "why" behind every way we choose to spend our time and efforts. Vision is the sifter for what's important and what's not. It's the gauge for if we're on the right path and the base for life's biggest decisions. So...it's important :) So back to your paper... Under vision make a column for Day, Week , Month, and Year...it will look something like this: Vision Day Week Month Year Now picture each of these time periods and be honest about how you want it to look. What do you want in your day to day life? What does it look like? What do you look like? What does your environment look like? How do you spend your time? What's your pace? What do your relationships look like? Now do the same for week, month, and year. My current day to day sketch (it changes every 6 months or so depending on what stage we're in) includes things like "I'm home and involved with the kids", "Loving the simple things in life", "Fully united with Aaron in a mutually fulfilling relationship", "Spending time outside", etc. Just be honest with yourself about what you really want in your day to day life. Write down anything and everything, and don't judge what you write. My week to week includes "weekly involvement in service and my community", "Gardening and improving the home" and my month to month has things like "Spending time with extended family". Then finally the year to year only has a couple of things like "Always doing a service project on Christmas" and "Take a large family trip". One of the hardest things when developing a vision is the conflict between what you want and what you think you should want. Allow this exercise to be completely personal and unjudged. Maybe this is the first time you've really considered the things you value most. If you write down anything you think you should want, take note of that, and then draw a line right through it. Be kind to yourself and just try to be honest. When we are truly comfortable with what we value and how we live those values, we become much more compassionate and non-judgemental of others and vice versa. Your sketch doesn't need to look anything like mine! The important part is that you're taking some time to truly consider what you deeply want out of your life, from the small things to the big things. Once you're done with your vision sketch, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed then go back through and fine tune it until you have the basics. No need to figure out EVERY particular of your life right now! That will be a life long journey :) Now for the planning stage... Under "Plan" on the right side of your page, consider how you can bring each corresponding line of your vision to fruition. What do you need to do, and what do you need to stop doing? For example, parts of my sketch look like this:
Now you might notice that your vision and plan look very different from the life you're actually living. If not, hopefully this exercise has been a good reminder! And if so, what could you change? Speaking from experience, you CAN do it! It takes time and patience to implement changes, and if they involve other people you need to consider them and have open communication as you're trying to make these changes. (Like when I decide our family's going to do no sugar for a month...Aaron always appreciates having a talk about that before I give away all of the sugar ;) So then we end up just doing sugar once a week or something haha.)
Like I said, your sketch doesn't need to look like mine, but just try to be intentional about your life and the way you spend your time. Some pros of living with intention from my experience?
Yay for all that life has to offer and all we have to bring to it!!! Comment below on ways you try to live with intention! |
who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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