Molly here! It's been quite a while, but I'm so glad Sam encouraged us to take up the blog again and get writing. More than ever, our world needs people spreading the good. So let's jump right in! How would you rate this restaurant?Picture this. You decide to try out a new Italian restaurant. It's evening time, and you're hungry, like REALLY hungry! As you drive to the restaurant, you think about the cuisine and what you might order. More than anything, you visualize the impending culinary experience and the wondrous feeling of being "full". There is an open parking space right up front: Score! A well-groomed young man walks you to your table and seats you with a smile. A moment later a beautiful middle-aged woman wearing a clean black apron approaches your table. You're already thinking through the drink options. As she nears, you can almost smell the bread sticks. Then she stops, looks at you, smiles, and says, "Thank you for coming! You will have the eggplant parmigiana with a Dr. pepper". Then she walks away. WHAT? You don't even like eggplant! What about your options? What about the menu? Review? 1/2 a star...And NO, you're not recommending this place to a friend. There's a menu As ludicrous as this story might seem, we live it every day in our society. As we grow, each day we’re part of some sort of socializing at home, at school, when we turn on the television, when we go to church, when we play with friends, and perhaps most prevalent in out time, when we spend time on social media. Socialization has two meanings, the second of which is “the action or process of causing a person to behave in a way that is acceptable to their society.” Each of us whether consciously or unconsciously, participates in this “socialization” every day. As we allow our experiences to socialize us, and as our interactions with others socializes them. Socialization deems what is “normal” “acceptable”, and “socially or politically correct”...right now. I add the caveat right now, because society shifts, changes, bends, and folds. Yet most of its citizens view current society as right, superior to the past, or when discontent - unalterable. Many of us don’t realize that we have the power to choose how we see the world and what we believe to be true and real. In a society that worships information and seeks for truth, we have become surprisingly uninformed as individuals. We take what we’re served, not even realizing there is a menu. And for me, what I'm served just isn’t enough. And if it's not enough for me, it's certainly not enough for my kids. And maybe it's not enough for you either. Why isn't it enough? Society has done an awesome job for years now at convincing all of us that what we really want is just to be happy. But is that really true? And even more important, is that even real? Can someone really be happy all the time? Of course not. But if we're not shooting for happy, what do we have to shoot for? For me, my deepest desires can boil down to four things: confidence, connection, peace, and growth. And although I could write pages on the different ways society does fall short, today I'm touching on one topic: gender and sexuality. Gender NormsWho would have though generations ago that there could be so much disagreement on the basic principles of sex and gender. But no matter what our predecessors would have thought, this is the hand we’ve been dealt, so we have to move forward eyes wide open. Stereotypes about gender and sexuality buzz through every part of society and media. And do you know what? It’s not enough for me. Girls and FemininitySociety abounds with contradictory and confusing messages about what it means to be a girl. There is a spectrum from mild and meek to ferocious and wild and everywhere in between. On one hand, femininity is inseparably tied to what our family calls “fancy”. Fancy is makeup, fixed hair, high heels, and jewelry. To be feminine is to be decorated, and to be decorated is to be beautiful. But society doesn’t just stop with accessories, they even yell from the rooftops of magazines, sitcoms, movies, and rampant pornography that femininity even demands a particular physical form: lean, long legs, big breasts, pouty lips, and all things sexual. They go even further through empty promises of confidence for a nip here, tuck there, lift everywhere. To remove where there’s too much and add where there’s not enough. Some of these promises are subtle yet others are blatant. From the manipulative nymph to the bare-breasted Aphrodite. Women have been taught for years to use their physical form to gain power and control, publicly and privately. Though in the public eye, the empty promises of self-confidence are more widely pushed. Women are encouraged to flaunt their womanhood, and in the very act, destroy their own self-respect and independent confidence, having to publicly earn what should be intrinsically theirs: worth. And then there’s the whole other side of the spectrum, encouraging women to embrace characteristics and values debase of any person, regardless of gender. Women are encouraged to be controlling and brash masked under the false name of “strong”. They’re encouraged toward sexual promiscuity and wildness, trying to “raise them” to the same level as men, enjoying the same privileges and pleasures that men have always held. And so we’re left with two “equal” parties who have fallen so far below their human potential that neither confidence, nor peace, nor connection can be found. And yet, another lie abounds, the lie that encourages characteristics as kindness, fidelity, and compassion which should create these values as mentioned above, but they only come at the expense of the other sex - men. These lies pose women as a morally superior sex who find confidence in their “goodness” only through embracing a natural divisiveness in men’s character. They accept the lies about masculinity that pose men as naturally and unalterably selfish, sex-driven and dominating. They then embrace their own character as the yin to men’s yang, finding feigned solace in providing balance to the sexes. Our Core potential, regardless of gender or sex If we’re all after the same things: confidence, connection, peace, and opportunities to grow, should we not then be seeking to develop the same characteristics that enable these values, regardless of gender? Both genders receive the message through society that survival of the fittest is alive and well. Our natural impulses need little to no intervention. If it’s natural, it’s normal and it’s acceptable. In many ways, we hold ourselves to a moral code scant higher than our primal cousins. If it tastes good, we eat it. If it feels good, we do it. If it sounds good, we believe it. My question then is this? Where has this gotten us? To a society riddled with obesity and heart disease, alcoholism, pornography, loneliness, fear and general discontent. Might there then be a better way? Humans are creatures. We breathe and move and rely on mother nature for life. But humans possess one ability that sets them miles apart from their animal companions: the space between stimuli and response. Or to say it simply, we possess the ability to choose. Animals are reactionary, apart from the occasional and inspiring outlier, they act and react for their own survival and preservation. Instincts guide them. Humans on the other hand have reason. We are not enslaved to our own senses (unless we allow ourselves to be). We have the ability to ask ourselves and reason within ourselves 1) what do I want in life 2) how do I get there 3) what holds me back and helps me along. And then we choose. It is a beautiful process. It is the process of progress, healing, and creation. Society, in large part however, feeds the beast. Boys and masculinity Our boys have it just as hard as our girls. From the time they’re in the cradle, they’re barraged with polarizing messages of what it means to be a man. I had a good friend whose husband would tell their toddler son to “not cry and be a man.” We put loud machines and weapons in their hands from the time they can walk. And then we say their aggression is natural. After all boys will be boys. (Which gives me more angst than hearing the F Bomb.) Being a new mother of a boy myself, holding that precious little baby in my arms, I can tell you for certain, society's norms aren't enough for him to thrive. They aren't enough to give him confidence, connection, peace, and growth. Boys are raised to be strong, muscular, competitive and tough. They worship sports (just like their dads), and abrasive, independent, and cavalier is just a “guy thing”. This is what society has given our boys as “normal”. And if they don’t measure up to these stereotypes, society provides a load of names to call them like wuss, sissy, pansy, wimp, baby, and even gay. Not to mention the negative comparisons to females that further lengthen the divide of mutual respect. Confidence is inseparably connected with competition for boys. Unlike girls, who can cling to their distorted belief of moral superiority, boys aren’t allowed to find confidence in their own goodness, only in domination, whether in sports, academics, a skewed view of patriarchal authority, and so on. They compare their muscles, their physical abilities, their penises. And society continues to tell them that’s normal, that’s okay, that’s going to get them all they want in life. Not only that, but society has also told them that’s all they should want in life. All a man needs is domination in the workplace, enough sex, and the game on, and that’s the life. Society says there IS no more. I mean, they’re really not emotionally integrated anyways, right? So what do our boys do when they need to cry? When they want meaningful connection? When the weight of the world is just a bit too heavy for this tough guy? They hide it. They turn to socially acceptable avenues for counterfeit connection such as pornography and masturbation. Or they decide they’re too different, they can’t be a boy, there must be something wrong with them, or they must be gay. breaking the mold I’m blessed to be married to a tender man, a man who really feels deeply. In part because he was born that way, and in part because he was blessed with parents who didn’t try to toughen him up. They taught him resilience and confidence in who he was - that tenderness and emotions aren’t just for girls. One of my favorite stories happened during his older grade school years. He came home from school upset because the boys in his class were being disrespectful to the girls and talking to them like they weren’t strong and were weak. This bothered his little boy heart. His mom listened to him, complimented his sensitivity, and told him this: real men respect women and you can just tell those boys that the strongest muscle in the entire human body is the uterus, and only women have those! Golden! What advice for a little boy learning what it means to be a man! In all the time I’ve known him, I’ve never heard him say anything demeaning to or about a woman in seriousness or jest. And I love him for that. My husband hates societies' polarized stereotypes of masculinity as much as I do. He hates knowing that because he’s a man, people assume things about him that simply aren’t true, that he’s sex-focused, into sports, and is okay with jokes or communication that objectifies or degrades women. And you know what, he’s not the only man who feels this way. Our men, just like our boys, need to know that it’s okay and natural to feel emotion, and not just the "testosterone emotions". Remember, we’re all wanting the same things: confidence, connection, peace, and growth. And if we don’t, society will be happy to step in and help us settle for less. So where do we go from here? I’m not inferring that there are no differences in men and women. I’ve been married to a man long enough to realize that’s not the case. But I am saying the differences aren’t as stark as society tells us. As society tries to help people "belong", really just more boxes are being created for people to fit into. Well boxes still close us off from each other. We want confidence. We want connection. We want peace. And we want growth. In fact, we don't just want them, we need them, deeply. The characteristics necessary for these attributes are the same for both men and women, even if their application might look a little different. Each of us, regardless of gender, needs to develop the necessary characteristics to embody these values. Remember, 1+1=2? Well that’s true no matter your gender. Truth + Action = Confidence, Vulnerability + Kindness = Connection, Hope + Diligence = Peace, and Humility + Effort = Growth, regardless of your chromosomes. I hope we can all stretch ourselves to make changes that help develop these attributes, for our selves and other. And as we do, we'll realize the spectrum for belonging is much wider than we thought.
0 Comments
Journal Entry from 11/17/20 (the week before Thanksgiving): I knew this day would come, but I wasn’t sure when. I was hoping she’d at least wait until she was a teenager and could prepare all of her own food three times a day. But, nope. She’s determined. Charlotte has decided that in honor of all of the animals in the world, she is forsaking meat! (Apparently the fact that we live in Texas, and barbecue restaurants and beef ranches abound is inconsequential to her.) How did this come about you ask? Last night while getting ready for bed she saw a dead fly in the bathroom. According to Charlotte, it broke her heart, and then made her think of the purpose of life, and how it’s not fair that we kill animals for our gain. This girl has passion. She cried for a good long while about it. And then told me a story about a little girl who apparently saved Thanksgiving by writing a letter to the President. That Thanksgiving, they didn’t eat Turkey. (I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they likely ate some other form of meat as the main entrée.) I wasn’t really sure what to do about this debacle. I’ve done the vegan thing before, and realized it’s not for me. I like to eat meat, eggs, dairy, and I also really like to eat turkey on Thanksgiving. But, just like I have learned to listen to myself to solve problems, I am practicing instilling that same gift in my children. I asked her what SHE wanted to do about it. “Can we write a letter to the President, and maybe the new guy President? And the guy who will be the President if the President dies? And all the congressmen and women? And we should write letters to all of the governors too!” This kid was on a roll. I explained to her that we could definitely write letters to the President and Vice President, to the Texas state Governor, and to our town’s Mayor. This satisfied her. Then I asked, “So, what’s your plan for Thanksgiving then? What do you propose we eat?” She was very thoughtful and then replied, “PIZZA! We will have pizza!” Sometimes, it’s just better not to argue. So I kissed her and reassured her that I would have the addresses ready when she got home from school. Today: For the record, she couldn’t resist the bacon the next morning so she gave up her resolve to become vegetarian. We didn’t write letters. And, we enjoyed turkey on Thanksgiving. You know, there are a hundred different ways to handle a situation like this. And no one way is "the right way". When my kids were younger, I was ill-equipped to deal with them with very much patience. I knew antics like this were most likely a phase, and I didn’t have the tools to see the phase through gracefully. I would say things like, “Get over it!” or “I’m not doing that!” or “I don’t have the energy to deal with this right now!” All of these things were true, but it didn’t validate their experience. Now that my kids are a little bit older, and more independent, I have more mental and emotional bandwidth, and I am able to see the lessons that are learned as they challenge their culture and discover their truth. Do I think that whether or not Charlotte eats meat (no matter how brief or drawn out this phase is) will greatly impact her life? No. But, I know that how I react when she poses a concern that challenges the social norm, will. She will remember if I made her feel safe, understood, loved, and supported. She will remember whether or not she felt “seen”. We all want to be seen and heard. And, if you have a spirited child like I do, they seem to challenge your ability to see and hear them in very creative ways. My son, Finn, feels seen if I let him tell me how his day was and I snuggle him. Charlotte likes to come up with elaborate schemes, or she questions the societal constructs that we live by. This wasn’t a learned behavior. She has always been this way. Two children, same parents, and yet such different ways of expressing and feeling love. I can tell you, it is much more energy to seek to understand, validate, and connect with Charlotte. But the bond that we create, and the confidence she gains each time she is heard and understood is priceless to me. If you consider the lessons taught by spiritual leaders from all religions throughout history, one thing that they have in common is that they saw people as individuals. They didn’t lump them together or condemn them for their differences. They saw them as living, divine souls, each with a gift or purpose to share with the world. I think that as we practice seeing others as individuals--really seeing them without judgement--we will begin to restore our faith in humanity. Nobody wants to be a stereotype. Stereotypes have a pre-written story complete with a predictable ending. We can all make our own story, change our ending, and we should extend that courtesy to all of humanity. I’m not saying that we need to seek to understand or give empathy to people or relationships that are toxic in our lives. I strongly recommend putting mental, emotional, and physical health and safety as your highest priority. But, as I look around and see the cynicism that abounds, I am saddened that many of us are choosing to live unhappy, lonely lives because we focus on our differences rather than what we have in common. We have one life to live. Let’s choose to “see” our families. Choose to “see” our co-workers. Choose to “see” our neighbors. If you have difficulty finding common ground, set your ego aside and say, “tell me more”. Brené Brown says that it’s impossible to hate someone up close. When you really see someone, you develop empathy and compassion. You begin to imagine what they must feel, and then you are free of judgment. I have decided to begin a book club come the new year to help us connect with our Spread the Good Community. Weekly, I will pose a discussion question about the reading, and what we will be reading for the following week (it will be something manageable, just a couple of chapters). I want to kick start it with Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute. (You can order it here) Look for a post about it on Instagram @go.spread.the.good I wish you all a wonderful holiday season with your loved ones near and far. I hope that you are reminded of what you are grateful for, bask in it, and spread the good! I don't know about y'all, but I won't be one bit sad when this year is over! I spent a lot of this past week sulking to myself. We ended up choosing not to send the kids back to in-person school, and did virtual learning last week and will continue with it until at least the end of the semester. When we decided this, I had an internal (Aaron may protest that it was sometimes external) pity party. I was feeling like we had just reached a new normal that was working for us. The kids were loving school, I had found a rhythm at home and everyone was thriving. Now, we are back to dirty looks, rolled eyes, me being made very aware of the fact that I have little patience and few skills in my arsenal to teach second-grade math. (JUST LINE UP THE DANG NUMBERS AND ADD THE ONES AND THEN THE TENS, KID! DO NOT! I REPEAT, DO NOT BREAK IT DOWN INTO MULTIPLE DIGITS BY PLACE VALUE! <Does anyone else have this conversation with their kids?>) I was feeling it so strong, that my snarky, sarcastic self decided to make these as holiday gifts for our neighbors. Yes, it is a roll of toilet paper, and the tags say, "We wish you a Merry Christmas and a less crappy New Year. Love, The Burch Family". (But seriously, these are both adorable and hilarious, right?) This morning I laid in bed and thought about what my hopes are for this week. Anyone who knows me knows that I adore my children. I genuinely love hanging out with them because I think that they're really cool little humans. They teach me so much, and continually change my perspective and my perception of what is around me. They have ideas and thoughts and dreams, and when I'm not stressed about things in the periphery I love being invited onto the ride with them. I realized that most of the things that I have been worried about aren't even real yet...and may not even become real. I realized that all of the things that made me not enjoy last week are things that didn't even happen. Yes, my kids gave some attitude, but school went fine. They completed what they needed to, and we had time to do some fun activities as well. I have come up with a short list of things to help us enjoy the next two weeks, rather than trudging through ominously. If you are having difficulty finding joy in the day-to-day, I hope that these will help you as well. 1. Start the day centered. 2. Have something to look forward to every day. 3. Distinguish FACT from FICTION. 4. Set a time-limit on work. 5. LET GO! Start the day centered. I know that my days go smoother when I begin with some time centering myself. This could be through stretching, deep breathing, meditation, working out, or even sitting on the patio with a cup of coffee. It helps me to set my intention for the day, to clear my mind, and to remember to let go of things that are out of my control. (Also, if you don't follow @harmony.health.and.wellness on Instagram, she is doing a free 31 day wellness challenge that has been really helpful for me this past week.) Have something to look forward to every day. I think that what makes "adulting" so disappointing is that it's not very fun. We work, we check of lists of things that we have to do, but don't want to do, and we fail to make time to see the beautiful things all around us. Today, the kids and I are looking at the calendar and writing something on each day that we want to do. It can be as simple as making a fort in the living room and watching a movie together, mailing Christmas cards to cousins, or driving around and looking at Christmas lights. Anything that connects us to what we value is perfect! Distinguish FACT from FICTION. If you are someone who has anxiety, this is an important one. When you have a worrisome thought creep in, look at it and say, "is this even true?" In my case, most of the time it isn't. I worry about things that may or may not be true, but they're usually things in the future. I do not have control over the future, so it's best for me to call myself out on the BS, and tell my negative thoughts to take a hike. Set a time-limit on work. This goes back to number 2. We cannot find joy in our lives when we are constantly working. (I mean both paid and unpaid work). We must make time for play and rest because both things invigorate us. LET GO of the things that aren't important. This past week my kids made salt dough ornaments. It was a three-day affair. One day for making and baking. One day for painting, and one day for adding string and ribbon. I had visions of these gorgeous white, professional, pinterest-grade ornaments. And then my kids got involved. To say they weren't Etsy-level would be the understatement of the century. I could quickly see that they were going to look less like Pottery Barn, and more like a 6 and 8 year old made them. (Go figure.) As the ornament production evolved I could see how much they were enjoying the process. They were proud of their work. And as I looked at the finished product, my heart swelled with love my children and their creativity. I could think of many many more things to add to this list that would be beneficial for my body, mind and relationships. But, if you read my post last week you'll know that I try not to make to-do lists. The purpose of this isn't to have things to check off as much as it is to remember what is most important. Take time to laugh. Don't take life so seriously. One of my favorite songs is "the heart of life" by John Mayer. It's so so good! If you've never heard it, you can give it a listen here. www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsAzxYW_ZGk "Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No, it won't all go the way it should But, I know the heart of life is good." I hope that you can find ways to enjoy this good, beautiful life. You only get one, so choose joy and spread the good! |
who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
Check Out Molly's Book! |