From Sam... Sometimes my dog will go outside and race back and forth across the yard. He isn’t chasing anything. He just runs and runs and runs. And then he comes to the back door, taps the glass with his paw, we let him in, he gets a drink, and then lays on the living room floor. I’ve observed this a lot over the past year he’s been a member of our family, and have been amazed at how he knows what his body needs. He feels a burst of energy, or the need for exercise, and he runs around and lets it out. Have you ever noticed that in the winter you crave heavier, comfort food, and you feel sleepier earlier in the day? Have you ever noticed that in the summer time you feel more vibrant and active, but then mid afternoon (during the hottest part of the day) you feel sleepy like you could use a siesta? Did it ever occur to you that like other mammals in the animal kingdom, these aren’t just urges but biological needs? If you look at other mammals, many spend the fall eating more nutrient-dense foods so that they can put on brown fat which will help insulate them in winter when food is scarce. Many animals hibernate, so this brown fat is essential for survival. During the warmer season, animals usually rest in shade, in burrows, or caves because the sun makes it too difficult for them to be active or to hunt without becoming dehydrated. Animals do not ignore their instincts because their instincts protect them. Honoring their instincts is essential for survival. If you look at history and think about the evolution of the human body, humans have honored these urges—especially in less developed countries. In central and south America people siesta. In fact, when I stayed with friends in Brazil, their father came home from work and children and adults came home from school for lunch daily. We ate a large lunch which usually lasted about 1-2 hours, and then we relaxed until it was time to return to work, school, or university. When I was in college I took a culture and gender psychology class. The professor had done extensive research with indigenous peoples living out in the bush in Africa. They didn’t have any clocks so they went to bed when they were tired, and woke when they were rested. They didn’t have a desk to be in a 8am, so they ate when they were hungry, and stopped eating when they were full. In good weather, people would sit outside and children would play outside. During the cold and hottest months, people conserved energy by staying inside. They listened to their bodies! When did we become so obsessed with productivity that we forgot to listen to our most primal instincts? Who benefits from the rat-race that we find ourselves in day after day? And when did we adopt the belief that productivity equals goodness? And worse, when did we internalize that self-care equals laziness? For a very long time, I have been a list-maker. I love the feeling of checking things off that list. To end the day and have every item checked off feels like heaven. The more things I check off, the more “good” I am. The more elaborate my list, the greater challenge, the greater personal reward. What started as a way to stay organized became the measuring stick for how much value I had as a person. Then, I had my second child.
I was in the throws of postpartum depression, I had a toddler, I was teaching University courses part time, and my husband was in his second year of medical school. The more days that went by without that list being completed the more depressed I felt. The more depressed I felt, the less productive I was. And the less productive I was, the less value I felt I had in this world. And so the depression cycle continued… I have a dear friend who recently posted on social media a picture of a “to-do” list her son had written. When she asked him what the first item was he replied, “write to-do list”. It made me laugh, and it brought me back to the memory of my lists. Over time, as I went to counseling, my lists changed a lot. My deep-seeded belief that my value was somehow tied up in what I can accomplish still existed so I had to create a way to have both. I began writing things on my list like, “take a shower”, “exercise”, “read to my kids”, “eat”, “love them”, etc. Sometimes, if I wanted to take a nap while my kids slept, I’d even add that to the list just so I could cross it off afterward. Now, I rarely make lists because I have learned that my value isn’t equal to what I can accomplish. I have also learned to listen to my body more. Sometimes it’s very easy to fall back into my old ways. I may get up and go into the kitchen for a snack, see ten things that need to be picked up, and before I know it I’ve been cleaning for 40 minutes, and am still hungry for that snack. I have had to develop a certain degree of tunnel vision in order to avoid this. I intentionally focus only on what I got up to do. My therapist calls it mindfulness, which sounds nice. But whether it’s mindfulness, tunnel vision, or something else altogether, I have found that hyper focusing on my needs helps me to listen to what I need rather than what I think I should do. Dave Hollis posted this on his FB today, and I felt that it went perfectly with my thought this morning. “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink from the water that gets in them. Fortify your defenses: -Set and keep boundaries. -Audit what you consume. -Search for gratitude and hope. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside and take you under.” I don’t have difficulty setting boundaries with others. I have had to learn how to set and keep boundaries with myself. When that inner judge creeps in and tells me mistruths, I have to shut it down. If my body is telling me something, I listen. If I look around and feel overwhelmed, I try to think about what I have and how blessed I am. When I begin to compare myself to others, I take Facebook and Instagram off my phone for a bit. Self care isn’t something for weak people. It’s how we keep water out of our ship. We cannot do for others if we ourselves are drowning. Take care of yourselves. Remember that you are loved. Ignore the judge inside of your head. Spread the good!
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From Sam... When was the last time that you did something that you enjoy? No, not "enjoy" like binge-watching Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I mean, something you love so much that it feeds your soul. Something that makes you feel inspired. Something that is yours. Something that is for no one else. Something that makes you feel alive inside. I would be surprised if most of you can think of something that fits that description, never mind remembering the last time you did it. Want to know how I know? Because that was me! People used to ask me what I liked to do…like, for fun. Besides my parental, marital, work and household responsibilities I couldn’t think of much. I’d say things like, "I help at their school", or “I like working out” or, “I used to like to read”. Really? That was the best I could do? My life had been reduced to the martyr who did everything for her family and in her spare time exercised and lamented on how she USED TO read? When did motherhood equate to martyrdom? When did being a responsible adult translate to being a slave to nothingness? You see that picture? That is my daughter, Charlotte. It was taken this summer right around her 8th birthday. If you ask her what she enjoys she can give you an entire list. She hasn’t yet learned the rules about growing up that mean that you can’t live for yourself. No. Charlotte belongs to herself. She is confident. She is wild. She sees and creates beauty. And her passions are independent of what others think of her. I’ve always admired that in her.
A couple of weeks ago, we decided to send the kids to school. Virtual learning was becoming a huge strain on our (mine and the kids) relationships (and how the heck am I supposed to teach my kids math these days???). The days leading up to it she was filled with so much anxiety. What if I don’t like it? What if people don’t like me? What if the school catches on fire? What if I get sent to the principals office? What if something bad happens? What if I get an F? What if kids are mean to me? What if…what if…what if… It was exhausting! And even more so, it was tragic to watch my baby girl acknowledge that the world is scary and sometimes cruel. I wanted to wrap her up in a warm cocoon, and promise that I would protect her forever and she would never have to do anything hard ever again. But, I am a firm believer in building resilience because it is the only way to make it through this scary, cruel world. It’s also the only way to find the beauty and the joy. I knew that she needed to believe that she was capable, and the only way for her to know that was for me to express my faith in her. We talked a lot about courage, and how every time we face a fear our courage grows. I also had to admit that we cannot always avoid bad things. We can’t control bullies, or tornadoes, or whether or not the roof might cave in, but we can look to our helpers to help us navigate. My sister, Emma, says that there’s really no such thing as a “grown-up”. That it’s something that we say so that we can demand respect from younger people. At first I thought that she was crazy, and then she explained it to me. She says that like children, adults are afraid of things. We just hide it. Like children, we have things that make us excited and thrilled, but we suppress it. Like children, we don’t know what is going on or what to do most of the time, but we fake it. I think she’s right. In her book, Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown talks about how children aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. They express excitement and happiness, and even sadness and grief, openly. They have little inhibition when expressing their emotions because we, as humans, are wired for connection, and being vulnerable is the best way to connect with another human-being. Tweens and adolescents are the most uncomfortable with expressing vulnerability because they are more concerned with “fitting in” than “belonging”. In Glennon Doyle’s book, Untamed, she tells her daughter to never lie to make a friend, because then you never have to lie to keep them. I think that as we grow, we often lie to ourselves because fitting in is easier than truly connecting. And connecting with ourselves is often terrifying. I spent the weekend with all four of my siblings, my parents, and my maternal grandparents celebrating my dad’s retirement. (Talk about a baptism of connection and belonging!) One evening we were circled around the piano playing songs and singing. My sister started playing “Wagon Wheel”, and my 5 year old niece exclaimed that it was her favorite, stepped on top of the ottoman, and belted that song at the top of her lungs--dance moves included. As I watched her swallowed up in the music, dancing, stomping, bellowing the lyrics, I began to cry. There is something precious about someone who feels so deeply and isn’t afraid to show it. I also felt sad that recently I have seen signs that my own daughter is losing touch with herself, and also fear that she will lose her sense of belonging and replace it with fitting in. While I don’t have the blue prints for raising confident, self-assured children, I do believe that they cannot learn it without seeing it modeled. They have to see parents who connect with themselves and others. This means, they need to see parents who are vulnerable in pain and happiness. No, I’m not saying you need to share your innermost grief with the barista at Starbucks, or that you need to join a flashmob club. Both of those things sound like torture to me! But, it does involve modeling connecting with people. Looking at them in the eyes when you say “hello”. Rather than stewing about your spouse not doing the dishes, tell him the deep, underlying emotions (“I feel resentful because it makes me feel unappreciated and unloved”). It also involves doing things that feed your soul. What do you feel compelled to do right now? DO IT! I get it! It’s really hard! But do you think that Charlotte gave two craps about what someone thought about her over the top beach get-up, her fan, her watermelon pool float, or her lady bug umbrella? Do you think my niece ever considered that anyone was watching her sing and dance? NO! Because they belong to themselves! Since things began shutting down in March due to Covid-19, I have tried to find what feeds my soul. I began painting. I tried embroidery. I became obsessed with everything coffee (beans, regions, climate, brew methods, etc.). I have made over 40 loaves of sourdough bread in various forms. I began reading more. I began resting more. And now, with 4 loads of laundry ready to be folded, I am sitting on my couch with a blanket, cup of tea, my dog, Christmas on Alexa, and I am writing. We cannot pour love out into this world if our cups are empty. I still have so much to learn from these little people I’m blessed to have in my life. But I will continue to strive for vulnerability so that I too can belong to myself. And in turn, I will spread the good! From Sam... Since my sisters and I began this blog three years ago, my life has changed tremendously…Or, at least my perception of life has changed tremendously. I have changed. No, I didn’t one day wake up and decide to be vegan, or an activist for a cause, or a super-religious guru. My changes were far more subtle, but when I look back on who I was then and compare it with who I am now, I am in awe of what can occur when you give in to trusting yourself. Over the past three years I have separated from my spouse. I have gone to couples therapy. I have gone (and continue to go) to therapy on my own. I have dealt with loss. This summer alone, my husband’s grandma passed away, and I lost a beloved aunt who was a mentor to me. I helped my children navigate their beliefs and emotions around the loss; while also trying to navigate my own. I have dealt with the loss of dear friends that the Army felt compelled to PCS elsewhere. I have felt the anxiety of the pandemic. I have worked incessantly on being a “good mother”, curbing temper tantrums (sometimes theirs, sometimes my own), a possible learning disorder, teaching them how to be loving, kind, conscientious human-beings, and praying daily they don’t grow up to be entitled ass-holes. I have dieted. I have gained and lost weight. I have exercised too much. I have exercised too little. I have said the wrong thing. I have been politically incorrect. I have hurt people’s feelings. I have cried. I have made mistakes. I have cried because of mistakes I’ve made. I have cried for those who suffer. I have felt guilty for not suffering more. I have felt like shit when I’m suffering. I have tried to be an activist. I've been criticized for stirring the pot, and challenging someone's comfortable way to life. I have felt shame and guilt. I’ve been on anti-depressants. I’ve stopped taking my anti-depressants. I’ve been accused of being judgmental. I’ve been accused of not caring enough. I’ve been accused of caring too much. But… I have also learned to forgive. I’ve learned to forgive myself. I have learned to forgive others. I have learned to ask for forgiveness. I have loved deeply, and felt the joy of connection. I have been made aware of how precious life is, and grateful for those who have bestowed their precious time on me. I have found new faith—in a higher power, in humanity, and in myself. I have learned to love more selflessly and be less critical. I have learned to listen to my body. I have learned to rest more. I have learned to find and do what delights me. I have learned to accept myself as a whole person, and not an extension of the needs of my family. I have learned to appreciate my children as their own whole people, and not an extension of me. I have learned about true intimacy in a marriage, and how to foster that. I have learned that the more I trust myself, the happier my life becomes. I have learned that the happier I am, the less concerned I am with what others think about me, and the less critical I become. I have learned to judge people’s intentions rather than execution, and have begun extending the same courtesy to myself. I have learned to breathe deeply. I have learned that although there is pain, there is joy and it’s ok to feel both. I’m sure that many of these things I said resonated with you. I don’t know how this blog will evolve. I have gained enough wisdom to know that it's best not to look too far ahead. For now, it is my journal that I am sharing with you. My hope is that I will continue to learn as I practice these things, and that we can be a community of support to each other. I know that I will continue to make mistakes. I also know that as I continue to trust my inner voice, I will have the tools to fix them. We are all human, and life is a process of learning. I’m grateful to be walking this road and spreading good with you. |
who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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