I'm sure that this won't surprise any of you, but I love a challenge. I love to push myself and to feel like I've learned and grown. What may surprise you is some of the things that I'm afraid of. Here's a short list: -Heights -Riding a Bike -Car accidents -Cancer -Being in small spaces I know, some of these things are totally irrational, and make very little sense. But, they're still real to me. Over time I've tried to overcome some of my fears. I guess I feel like they aren't doing me any good, so why carry around more baggage. Aaron bought me a bike a couple of years ago, and although I feel really uncomfortable riding it (especially when there are cars around) I force myself to do it because I know eventually I won't be afraid. It requires a lot of self-talk, I get sweaty palms, and I'm somewhat miserable through a large percentage of the time, but it's worth it to me to continue to try because I see that it can be fun. A couple of weeks ago Aaron and I went on a date, and I thought it would be fun to go rock climbing. I hadn't been since I was a junior in high school, and figured I could probably do pretty well at it since my upper body is in decent shape. We got there, signed our waivers, got our shoes, did the "training" and we were off. I started ascending the first wall. I was shocked at how quickly I was going and how easy it was when I reached a part of the wall that jutted out changing the angle. Suddenly I was paralyzed. I couldn't think clearly about where to place me feet and hands, I began to sweat, and breathe far too quickly. Once I realized I was probably going to hyperventilate I started the self-talk. "Stop! You're safe. Even if you fall, the rope will catch you. Take deeper breaths. You're not going to get hurt." I was able to talk myself down enough that I wasn't going to have a panic attack, but I also wasn't going to be able to ascend any higher so I came down. I was shaking, and I was frustrated. I took some deep breaths, and tried again. This time I was more methodical hoping that if I took a different route I could more easily scale that difficult part of the wall. I got up to the same spot and froze. "Why is this so hard?!" I wondered. "I can't do it" was replaying in my mind. All the while Aaron is below coaching me on where to put my hands and feet. I decided to come down again. "What is wrong with me?!" I thought. This isn't fun at all! I stared at that wall for quite a while, and thought, "this is hard because I'm allowing it to be hard. My body is capable. I just need to believe it." I ascended the wall, got to the dreaded spot, took a deep breath and said, "You have conquered way harder things than this physically, mentally, and emotionally. Now kick this walls a**!" And so I did! When I made it to the top I was so proud, and Aaron was beaming! The rest of the time was so much fun! We tried different routes on different walls, had races, and had a great time. The best part was the sense of accomplishment that I felt for staring my fear in the face and telling it to take a hike.
When I was a new mother I used to worry so much about things that were out of my control. Or I'd worry that every decision I made would have a terrible consequence. "If I wake her up to feed her maybe it'll make her a terrible sleeper!" Or "If I don't waker her up to feed her maybe she'll sleep so long that she'll be terrible eater!" When we give into fear we are placating a hypothetical situation in an alternate reality. We don't actually know what the consequences of our actions are going to be, and stewing about them rather than making a confident decision simply reinforces that.
The only reason I was able to ascend that wall was because I remembered what I was capable of. I thought of the difficult things I had overcome that were much more intimidating than a rock-climbing gym. Once I BELIEVED I could do it, I saw myself doing it, and then I was able to do it! I've had a lot of people say things to me like, "You're so good at x, y, or z. It comes so easy to you." The truth is, some things don't come that easily to me. In fact, most things don't. But I believe that I can do hard things so I choose not to allow fear to cripple me. Does being a parent scare me? Absolutely! Does moving to a new place and finding new friends every 2-3 years scare me? Yep! Does joining a Polynesian dance group and learning new songs to perform scare me? Definitely! But I want my life to be full and exciting, not empty and safe. So, the next time you're afraid, or you feel inadequate or incapable look fear in the face and tell it to "step off". Remember the amazing things you've done, the things that you've accomplished, and the successes you've had. And then, BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT!
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From Molly... When we remove "Christ" from this beautiful Holiday, we are left with only "mas" or "more". Without Christ there is never enough, never enough presents, twinkling lights, snow covered lawns, or delicious desserts. At the end of the day, your pocketbook is smaller, but the gap between you and fulfillment is even greater. The meaning of Christmas lives inside of charity for one another. We give gifts at Christmas not only to commemorate the 3 gifts of the wise men but also to remember the greatest gift ever given - from our Heavenly Father to us - Jesus Christ, the one who can right every wrong. Through the wonderful and unimaginable experience of the atonement, He is the perfect bearer of empathy, and so with His eyes, we can see one another more clearly. To know Christ is to love others. To truly celebrate Chrsitmas is to lift the hands that hang down, to free the captive, to love the lonely, and to feed the beggar. After all "...are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have... And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a remission of your sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his Spirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with joy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy. And now, if God, who has created you...doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance... one to another. (Mosiah 4:19-21) "And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” - Dr Seuss How The Grinch Stole Christmas From Sam...
I was talking to a friend yesterday about how magical Christmas is when you're a child, and how once you get a little older, stop believing in Santa, and the element of surprise on Christmas morning dampens so does the magic of Christmas. Then you have your own children and the magic returns as you work to create that for them. This year, for the first time, we are spending Christmas alone as a family. (Yes, I'm 29 and I've never spent a Christmas away from my parents.) It was difficult for me at first, but I wanted to make it a magical season for myself and my kids, and I wanted the magic to go beyond Santa and the gifts. I've never been that enthusiastic about giving a lot of "things" to my kids. They are American. They have everything they could possibly need, and most of what they want so I'm morally opposed to arbitrary gift-giving. We generally do an experience from Aaron and I, and then Santa provides a stocking and the accessories to accompany the gift. For example, one year we got Charlotte swimming lessons so Santa brought her a bathing suit and a hooded towel. Another year we got her gymnastics classes and Santa brought her a gymnastics leotard. Working in Social work taught me the sadness that children feel when they see that the disparities in socio-economic status apply to Santa's gift-giving. I have never wanted my children to contribute to that feeling of misunderstanding and sadness to those whose parents can't afford the "big ticket items". This year it was very important that we focused a lot on the spirit of giving. Every time we've passed a Salvation Army bucket I've given the kids change to put in the bucket and explained how the money will help provide food and clothing for those in need. I took the kids and purchased gifts for children in foster care. We went to Barnes and Noble and I let them pick out books for children at the local children's hospital. And I've made arrangements for us to visit an assisted living home to visit the residents that are alone on Christmas. We've watched a lot of Christmas movies together, and have been reading Christmas books daily. The amount of snuggles, discussions about giving, talks about Jesus' birth and life, and seeing my children recognize the needs of others has been more magical than I could have asked for. Remembering the reason for the season and focusing on the ultimate gift of love and sacrifice is what fills our home and hearts with that magic. I hope that you feel it on this Christmas Morning. Merry Christmas! I recently heard a math teacher discuss a mathematical term called the radius.
She explained that in mathematics that word refers to the distance between the center of a point to the outside of a circle. She then correlated that word with her love for the word radiate because of the correlation. The root of both radius and radiate is: Radi(o): Spoke of a wheel, beam of light, ray. Each of us are constantly radiating and we have a radius of influence (those we come in to contact with, no matter the forum). We all have things in life that come up regularly that are challenging. Most often, they are unanticipated. If they occur that frequently though, it stands to reason we can expect difficult things to come. So why do we choose to label them "difficult things" instead of just "things?" The attitude we adopt influences our manner of being and in turn, what we radiate. When we instead choose to focus on the things in life we can be grateful for, it changes our perspective, in addition (see what I did there?) to what we radiate. If you don't see something right away, that's okay! It takes practice, but I promise it's there. Choose to be grateful. Choose to experience life. And let the energy you exude influence someone within your radius for good. All you need is already within you to get started. Be happy. Be you! From Molly... As a woman it's very easy to understand my own set of experiences, frustrations, and expectations, but sometimes it's good to take a minute to understand my husband's side of the story. So when I asked Aaron how he balances his responsibilities at work and at home, these are some things he shared:
This conversation was so helpful in recentering on what's important in our relationship and family and learning all the steps in our little dance of a marriage :) If you can, take an evening to discuss it with your other half; it feels so good to understand and then offer support for each other! From Sam...
In my marriage I'm definitely the more picky/uptight/detail-oriented/anal-retentive one, and I've always cared a lot about keeping the house clean. My husband, who cares a whole lot less than I do, has been in intensive training for almost 10 years on the difference between simply doing the dishes and how to properly clean a kitchen, and is just now getting ready to graduate. All jokes aside, we have had to figure out our own dance which has involved a lot of compromise. Sometimes when I want to foxtrot the laundry away, he wants to be the Latin lover and tango all evening. (And if you've ever seen the foxtrot or the tango you'd know they just don't mix!) But as time as passed, and our respect has grown for each other we have created our new dance. Last night after dinner I took a shower while he got cleaning up the kitchen. When I came out he said, "You wanna help me finish the dishes so the kitchen will be clean before bed." I quickly replied, "not really. Let's watch netflix together and I'll do it tomorrow." He looked aghast and said, "who are you? And what have you done with my wife?" We both laughed, snuggled and watched some TV together. I think I'm like our new dance even better than my old one. I would wager near every woman knows what it feels like to be sexualized, at no fault of her own.I recently had a conversation with a dear friend where I was asked the question if I've ever felt discriminated against as a woman. We discussed it briefly covering the usual topics of sexism and inequality that exist in our society and the world at large; however, what we didn't discuss is what I feel to probably be the most wide spread form of discrimination and sexism that women experience - sexualization and objectification. Just 2 days after this conversation took place I was at the store looking for some Christmas decorations. I was wearing black pants, a sweater (that covered my bottom), and ankle boots - point being, I wasn't flaunting my body nor wearing anything to draw attention. A man walked past me and glanced me up and down. I ignored it and went on scanning the shelf. But then when he walked past me he turned around and looked me up and down again. This time we made eye contact and he looked away. He then went further down the isle and stopped, turned around again, and consciously and conspicuously sexually gazed at me for the last time. At this point I was furious and turned directly toward him, looked him in the eye and forcefully said "YES!?" Finally he averted his eyes and his attention. Sadly, this wasn't an isolated incident. As I've pondered over this and other similar experiences I've had the thought "I bet hardly any men have ever had to experience that from a woman". Aaron has never once felt or seen someone sexualize him. I'm certain, however, that most women can relate to this experience and have even experienced worse. A woman can feel the difference between an admiring gaze or complimentary smile and when she's being viewed and treated like nothing but a physical body - no personality, spirit, and other things that create a human being - just an object or tool. And so in efforts to encourage social change, this is the topic I want to discuss today. "Time Magazine" recently announced their "Person of the Year" as the women behind the movement against sexual harassment. In my opinion, there has never been an "easy" time to be a woman, but what a wonderful time to be a woman right now! We live in a time when yes the pornography industry is growing and human trafficking hasn't stopped, but also where for one of the first times in history, women can have a louder voice. This isn't to say that we've arrived by any means but rather, it inspires me to see the strides that both men and women are trying to take to ensure protection for every person, regardless of sex. This particular movement inspires me because of the courage it takes to stand - you risk threatening your own position to provide others with the opportunities you want. And so we all have to do at times in our life when we sincerely believe there is a cause greater than our own self-interest and comfort. Another movement that I support whole-heartedly is the "mutual consent" movement. This movement essentially supports the adoption of a new social norm, that all physical touch needs mutual consent. We aren't just talking about sex but also kissing, holding, and any other physical touch. One facet of our society that I want to specifically highlight as needing improvement is our media, which for generations has undermined this idea of "mutual consent". Media has socialized us with the idea that "romantic" is also controlling. Recently movies have screened pushing this as far as even the sexual arena, supporting ideas that sexual control, unwanted solicitations and even abuse are somehow "romantic" if put in the correct light. I would STRONGLY urge each person to consciously and critically analyze the media they consume. In countries where freedom and opportunity are restricted one of the first things governments seek to control is media and the press. Why is this? The reason is of course because of the extremely powerful influence on socialization that both media and the press bear. The fact is, when you are watching, listening to, seeing, or reading any sort of media, you are being socialized. Each avenue is selling a product and each product communicates to you what is normal, acceptable, desirable, and so on. Yet even before the bedroom, media undermines mutual consent in other ways. I can't count how many movies I've seen where the emotional climax occurs right after the couple on screen has an argument and then the man pulls the woman into him, and they kiss - and this is romance? Or scenes where a man surprisingly kisses a woman and she pushes to get away but then succumbs to his "charms" and leaves you with the impression that consent isn't important and coercion is necessary because this is what the woman really wanted anyways but in her "feminine emotion" couldn't decipher her own feelings - so naturally the man needed to decide for her. Right now you might be picturing a whole lot of black and white movies, but believe me, this happens in media just as much today. Be critically awake while you're watching, and I guarantee you will be surprised of what messages are coming through your media - and many degrade both men and women portraying unhealthy or coercive relationships as normal, exciting, or romantic. Love and respect are inseparable, but respect and control are incompatible. So what can you do? First, be critical of what you're consuming. Then find where you stand. In our society, what doesn't make money just doesn't last - plain and simple. Fight where you need to and support where you can. It's up to you to figure out what and how. There is no doubt that the pornography industry hugely influences societal and personal ways of looking at women. The industry has both driven and supported an inseparable link between femininity and sexuality - as if they are one and the same. Hence teenage girls' bedroom eyes in facebook pictures, clothes that are neither economical nor comfortable, and womens body's being squeezed, poked, and prodded into unnatural shapes and forms. Our society screams - To Be Feminine Is To Be Sexy! We all know what a "beautiful woman" is in our world - not her soul, her personality, her goals and ambitions, her moral courage - it is silky hair, clear skin, bedroom eyes, full lips, large firm breasts, a narrow waist, prominent hips, long slender legs, and painted toenails. Has anyone else noticed that what our sexualized society deems beautiful is also unnatural? In CS Lewis' time he saw a similar problem yet with a different form. He spoke against the image of beauty that convinced women they needed to be so thin and long that all in all their figure was hardly distinguishable from that of a teenage boy. Different form - same message. And that message is that to be beautiful and feminine is to fit a mold. Don't fall prey to these messages! And don't support industries, advertisements, or products that push it. So what is the role of a good man in honoring women and femininity? In many ways, the voice of a man is still more powerful than the voice of a women, so men speak up! When it comes to protecting women from sexual harassment and preserving their self-worth, to stay silent is to condone. Unfortunately, the "Good ol' boy" mentality still thrives. Our world embraces the notion that "boys will be boys", and in it not only harms women but also brings down men as well. There is no doubt that it is generally expected for men to be highly sexual, necessarily controlling, and innately competitive. Says who? Says near everything in our society! Women are not the only sex that have a mold to fit. Men, though usually the perpetrator in instances of sexual harassment and objectification, are likewise socialized. Isn't the idea of the "gentleman's club" ironic. It's a place where women are objectified and put on a sexual performance where men can enjoy it with "the boys" all under the comforting pretense which refers to them as "gentlemen". There couldn't be anything further from a gentleman. So you wonderful men who are trying to help protect the women in the world - don't participate. When you hear a co-worker, friend, or even family member demeaning women in any way, whether it be through humor, a story, or bragging about their own experiences, make it clear you're not impressed. Let's take down the social expectation that life is different "with the boys". Because let's be honest, it's time to leave the boys behind and be a man. Hold the door. Take off a your hat. Stand until she's seated. Show every woman that she deserves to be respected. In my experience, the most powerful thing in helping a girl become a confident and self-respecting women is a good man. And the most powerful thing in helping a boy become a confident and self-respecting man is a good woman. We need one another. We ALL need each other!
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who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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