I crashed my bike a week and a half ago. Scenario goes as follows: (Asterisks denote a thought process) Me: *I'm running late for this meeting. It shouldn't take long though if I ride my bike.* Action: Walk outside, get on the bike. Bike won't go. Me: *I don't have time for this!* Action: Check the bike. Bike chains off. Fix the bike chain. On the road. Me: life stuff, *What can we do so Jordan can be home more?* school stuff, *When will we graduate and move?* work stuff, *Ugh* kid stuff, *Did I remember to feed Noah lunch?* church stuff, *Is there anything I forgot to do?* husband stuff, *How can I relieve some stress* me stuff *Why am I not feeling super great about myself lately* Action: Riding down the sidewalk. See pedestrian on the right side. Me: *I could probably fit to the left but since he can't see me coming he might move to the left and if he does I could hit him.* Action: pull on to the grass. Me: *should I slow down?* Action: Pull back on to the sidewalk...or not. Tire hits the sidewalk at a funny angle. Bike handle bars jackknife. Skip forward to me laying body down on the pavement, bike sideways and still between my legs. Me: *Did that just happen? I should've judged the physics a bit better. Ouch* Action: Cue my head turn. And there is the pedestrian not three feet away looking down at me with open mouth. Yup. In the midst of my struggle with anxiety I realized something about my old self. I was unknowingly waiting for the anvil to drop. What I mean by that is I was living in constant fear that something bad was around the corner and because no one makes it through life unscathed I was in for a doozy at any given moment. It's like when Wiley Coyote chases road runner...right off the side of a cliff. And then notices just before he plummets to the ground but after it's too late to take a step back. Cruelty, Looney Tunes. Then again, I was also looking at myself as if I was Wiley Coyote. I've seen the same scene over and over again with him. He sees the road runner, speeds after, falls off a cliff. He sees the road runner, speeds after, falls off a cliff. And on it goes over and over again. Hopefully I'm not as dense as the mindless cartoon another human being created for entertainment purposes, which is actually kind of sick that we find that funny. That is torturous to watch a human being experience it, which we do because sometimes people act just like Wiley Coyote. Sometimes we do the same things over and over again. Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." If I live in constant fear that the anvil is going to drop, my mind is going to be hyper aware of the "bad" things, or what I prefer to call the curveballs. I love baseball. But if we were to get or to pitch the same ball every time it wouldn't make for a very good player or comprehensive test of our skills. What if we were to consider the thought that in reference to things that happen to us, there is no "bad" or "good," rather just "happenings?" It seems to me if we did that it would be a lot easier to look at life at face value rather than assigning deeper meanings that realistically don't exist in some cases. I can't tell you exactly why curveballs happen. But I can tell you the gash on my knee from the bike wreck is healing and when I remember the look on that pedestrians face I start giggling all over again at his surprise. Maybe it hurt for awhile but I definitely learned not to bike too fast on the sidewalk, not to try and pull back on the concrete at a weird angle, and not to bicycle when I have a bajillion things on my brain distracting me. Also, I'm so grateful Noah wasn't with me because he could've been really hurt. What a blessing! Gratitude is very key to a happy life because it takes us out of our own minds. Recently I decided that I didn't feel as exuberant as I wanted to when walking in to my house. So...I redecorated. For $25 bucks: the cost of a can of spray paint, fabric from JoAnn's (on a stellar deal. Yay home decor fabric!), a couple things of acrylic paint, fake flowers from the Dollar Store, and a bit of time: I removed the burgundy and dark wood and replaced it with happy spring colors that make me feel bright when I walk in the front door. Color scheme: Teal, pink, beige, navy and dark brown furniture. I can't control everything, and I thank high heaven that is the case because that is WAY too much pressure. But I can control the color of the pillows on the couch and what my curtains looks like and now they make me happy :)
The anvil isn't waiting to drop. There's no moment that's going to ruin your life unless you let it. There will be challenges. There will be hard things. But there is SO much to experience with excitement and gratitude. If you look back or even ask a friend I'm sure there are scenarios that have been hard you've come back from stronger, big or small. We get to view the world unlike any other person because we are individuals! And isn't it the learning curve that makes us LIVE life? Besides, like I said, the look on that persons face...priceless. I'd love to know what has given you strength in the past. Comment below to join the conversation! Love, Emma
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"Seize this chance, rejoice in it, and let no power or persuasion deter you in your task" - Chariots of Fire Oh those words just get me giddy and send goosebumps down my arms! Isn't there something wonderful about seeing passionate people make things happen?!? I LOVE it! The point I want to get accross today is that YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN! Whatever your goal or vision, you can do it! From Emma... One of my favorite movies features Steve Carell and he is having a conversation with a woman he’s just met. She says to him, “So Dan, you were born?” obviously looking for him to expound. His response: “I was born, like everyone else. I grew up, like everyone else.” They both chuckle a bit at that. However, it does highlight a very important thing we all have in common. We all start in the same place. I’ve often marveled at the crazy incredible things people can do. Ya know, there’s 16-year-old me: high school, supporting role in the school play, writing songs on the weekend, sailing and playing softball just for fun, pretty standard stuff. Then there’s pre-pop Taylor Swift: 16-years old, collaborating with song writers in Nashville, playing for filled stadiums and preparing to accept a Grammy. And then I would wonder, “what am I doing with my life?!” Obviously, comparing your accomplishments with someone else’s is so not cool. Duh. I know that. Put that on the list of things not to do because it definitely just makes life harder. But, it can be really inspiring to look not at just what people are doing, but what they are becoming and to learn from those choices. Let’s do a little “time usage” comparison of me and Swift. What was I doing at 12? I was involved in church things, hanging out with friends, spending time with family, sulking about things changing with siblings leaving the house, etc. What was Taylor Swift doing? If I recall that was about the time she met a guy that came over to do some work on their house that gave her a guitar and taught her a few chords. She then continued to self-teach and play for various events near her home. What was I doing at 15? Pretty much the same: school, church stuff, friends, thinking about boys; you know, the important stuff. What was Taylor Swift doing? Going to school during the day (maybe homeschooling part time? I don’t quite recall) before her mom would then drive her a couple hours to Nashville where she would work with other songwriters to get her work out there. What was I doing at 17? I graduated from high school and was getting ready to head off to college, trying to grapple with the emotion of so many changes and the excitement of independence. What was Taylor Swift doing? Her mom had graciously moved them to Nashville so Taylor could pursue her dream. After a lot of work, time investment and sacrifice, Swift had released an album and accepted a Grammy shortly thereafter. Do I wish my life was Taylor Swifts? Absolutely not! I don’t want that lifestyle. And the choices I’ve made have put me in a place that I’m beyond satisfied with. But I do admire what she has accomplished and if I look at it, I can break it down to some simple steps we can all apply.
We all start out the same. We all enter the world the same way. That is a beautiful unifier. We have the same potential and value as every other human being. In the times I’ve struggled to achieve my goals it’s typically because
Once we evaluate what we want, work harder than we thought possible, sacrifice and have confidence, we can do ANYTHING! We can rule the world! Not really. That’s a twisted goal. I believe that when we want something good, if we follow these steps, God and the universe will work in tandem to make it happen. Good attracts good. Happy attracts happy. Positive things happen to positive people that are willing to work hard and just do it (thank you NIKE). And so much of it is in the way you approach life. Thomas Edison said when questioned about his many attempts regarding the making of the lightbulb, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” What an incredible attitude! And this guy changed the world as we know it. When I was born I had one title: Baby. Those titles have majorly increased: Wife, Mother, Friend, Writer, Teacher, Counselor, and on it goes. Each title represents something I value/d in life, work/ed hard for, sacrifice/d for, and have/had confidence in my ability to achieve it. My novel didn’t start getting written until I took the time to sit my butt down and start pounding away on the keyboard. The so-called moral of all this is pretty basic. You can do it! You can make it happen! If you have a dream, don’t settle for easy or comfortable, unless that’s exactly what you want. Go after something that brings you joy for no other reason than you can! And have that kind of faith in yourself. Michael Jordan said, “Limits, like fear, is often an illusion.” The only limitations that really exist are the ones we place on ourselves. But looking at reasonably, if I was once a baby and I’m now me, I can do anything! It’s easy to push away opportunity, possibility, or passions because we assume we will have more time. Why wait? Molly and I often say to each other in reference to just about anything we want to do short or long term, “I’ve got plans.” So now I’m sharing that with you. I’ve got plans. “Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.” -Pope Paul VI Well said. I agree. And I’m pretty sure if you think about it, you’ve got plans too. But if not, it's never too late to make some. Emma from Sam...
when I was a kid (or so I've been told) I was a big dreamer. I was theatrical, loved to dance, sing, pretend to be someone important or speak with a British accent. My biggest childhood dream was to become a hula dancer. I know, it's a little bit weird, but that was my dream. As I got older, little by little, I began to lose my zeal for life. I think it's a combination of things. The more life you experience the more times you fail which can cause you to be insecure and/or to make you rethink the direction you want to go. You also have less time for dreaming when you're struggling through college, trying to work hard, pay bills, etc. It's funny because I look back on my college days and think "wow! I was so stressed! I didn't have a clue!" (I'm pretty certain that in a decade I'll feel the same way about where I am right now as well, but idk maybe I'll soon master how to live in the moment.) my parents have a magnet on their fridge that says "Carpe Diem: seize the day". What does that mean? Well, as my daughter Charlotte has gotten older I've felt a huge urge to impress upon her that she CAN do anything she sets her mind to. I think we all believe that for those we love, but do we believe it for ourselves? If I want those I love to believe that, then I need to be that example! I'm kind of to the point in my life where I think "screw it! What do I have to lose? I'm going to do this!" So going back to the beginning, I joined a Polynesian Dance group with Charlotte about three months ago. Am I stellar at it? Nope! Is it a ton of work for me because I've never danced before? You bet! Sometimes am I frustrated and wondering what I'm doing? Yep! But I know I can do it! So look at your life. What are some dreams you have? Don't just wait for them to happen to you, because I promise you THEY WON'T! MAKE IT HAPPEN! And if you realize that it's not what you really want, then change it! There's no unwritten contract we have with the universe that forces us to do what doesn't feed us! But I'll tell you, I have never regretted realizing dream even if it didn't turn out as planned becaus I always learn more about myself. Have a great week! -Sam Do you ever find yourself full of glee and then have a pang of guilt when you learn about a current event? Does your food suddenly taste less enjoyable when you pass a homeless person on the street? Does recognizing others' pain considerably diminish your pleasure? These are all feelings I've experienced and in the past fought on one side and then the other. At one time I concluded that these feelings were toxic and unnecessary and adopted a "take care of number one" attitude, trying to harden myself to the outside world. This only brought isolation and bitterness. Then on the other hand I concluded that a truly compassionate life would be devoted to relieving the pain and sufferings all around me and not shielding myself from it. However, this also made me feel isolated, hopeless, and bitter. We can't all come to the same conclusion of how to relieve suffering, feel about its presence, or live our life accordingly. So now the question I pose is, who would dull the sweetness of the berries? We may incorrectly assume that to responsibly respond to darkness, we cannot praise, enjoy, and bask in the light. We might even call those naive who embrace childlike innocence and take time for the small things in life. But why do we have to de-legitimize what is good in order to fully accept and play our part in fighting what is bad? The last week I've done a lot of blackberry picking. We've picked cups and cups and have MANY pints of jam as a testament. As we picked, however, we were careful to avoid the thorns. You may relate to the feeling of seeing one particular berry just almost out of reach that you're keen to get, and even though you're surrounded by others, you want THAT one. Do the thorns deter you? Perhaps. But do they stop you? Not in my experience! I turn into a full blown ninja when there's that one berry prime for the picking! And once I have my precious berry, do those thorns make the berry any less sweet? No. When I see suffering around me, it is deeply distressing. But do prolonged feelings of guilt, sorrow, or anger change the circumstance or outcome? No. In fact, dwelling on these feelings causes us to become more self-centered. It is about how I feel, what I see, what I should do. These feelings lead to thoughts such as "why have I been so blessed?", "I don't deserve this", "this is so hard for me to see or feel". We spend hours scouring facebook, listening to NPR, or reading political articles just to be left in a muddle of negative feelings and the illusion that amidst the thorns there are only small and bitter berries, barely worth the picking. First, there are plump, ripe, and juicy berries in all of our lives and the world at large. Blessings abound for those with eyes to see. And as our eyes become more keen to the good around us, it will inevitably increase.
Second, you have only been put in one part of the patch to harvest. You cannot conquer all of the thorns and harvest all of the berries on your own. Everyone has a part to play, so play yours well and encourage others in the forage.There are seeds to plant, stalks to water, briers to train, thistles to weather, berries to pick, vines to prune, and then we can all enjoy a lovely batch of jam. Figure out what your part is, and DO what you can. Third, what a blessing that we all feel the briers. No one is exempt from pain. Feelings of compassion can stir the human soul in a marvelous and truly divine way to open our hearts to others, and to stir us to action. In my opinion, an inclination or feeling of compassion without action is merely wasted energy. There is always SOMETHING we can do, if only but to offer a smile, eye contact, or a recognition of someone's humanity. Perhaps it's not direct, but there is always something we can do to better the world that comes from those stirring emotions of compassion. Sometimes it might just be helping us react with a bit more tenderness to our husband, wife, child or friend, giving a bit to a local relief effort, or making life changes to get your family in order. Other times it might be on a much larger scale. Each of these has its purpose in the grand design for the human family. Fourth, the berries that grow in sunshine taste the sweetest. The sweetness of the berries is not altered by the amount of briers but it is determined by their easy access to plenty of water and sunshine. If we were to deny the berries sunshine simply because it is too naive, old fashioned, insensitive, sheltered, or childish to let them bask in the sun while briers abound, we would deprive ourselves of the sweetest flavors. Fifth, some of our hands are sensitive and some are tough, but both are picking as best they can. Not all people can endure the same exposure to distress. What would inspire one might break another. Let's admire both the reassuring tenderness of the sensitive and the inspiring passion of the resilient. Both have their place and benefit our world equally. I have felt and seen many briers, but I relish in the sweetness of each berry I enjoy and notice the thousands that never even get harvested. The world is painful but it is sweet and purposeful as well and can be even more so when we all do our part to nourish it. Mo' Money Mo' Problems...first world problems people...first world problems. But in reality, isn't there a tender for life? (Not Tinder...but that's a thing too). So you go into the store of life and pick out what you want on the shelf. You calculate the price and the tax and you know exactly what it's going to cost. You take all of your goods to the front. You fill with gleeful anticipation as you lay it all out in plain view! This is what you want to buy. So the teller of life scans everything through, you give him your cash, and then something happens...he hands you change. What? I didn't expect that. But ah, so you're going to University of Washington instead of Washington State, se lavi. So you put the change in your pocket. It clinks around but is only minorly agitating in those moments when people tell you how much better Cougars are than Huskies. So next time in the store when there's more life decisions, you lay it on the counter again, and once again he gives you change. This happens over and over until finally your pocket is loaded and you're afraid of getting scoliosis from the extra load tugging down on one side! Sure you've got most of what you wanted to buy, but now all of these coins are getting to you, and they're really slowing you down. In this moment you just feel like tossing it right back at the teller and yelling keep the change! From Molly... The Only Constant Is Change Sure we know that, but still how do we navigate through these changes? Sometimes it feels like there is a heavy price to pay but change, we have to remember, is always something extra to keep for later. But heck, it does get heavy sometimes! Here's some ways I work through change. 1. Don't impulse buy We've all been in a store and grabbed something off the shelf...maybe ritz crackers when we're starving for dinner...and then we buy it and we get that little pit of regret in our stomach. Isn't it the same in life decisions? Some things we feel like we "fall" into. Like love? Well I've personally never fallen in love with someone that I haven't let myself spend time with. It's not like walking down the sidewalk and suddenly tripping. Yes, some thing are unforeseen and those changes are bitterly painful, but the bulk of our life experiences have come from our decisions, and when they're not conscientiously made, then we might not realize what we're truly buying. So it helps me to really think through the consequences of decisions and then own them after I've made them. When we take responsibility, we can be empowered, but when we blame others, we give them the power. 2. All changes eventually become the norm This morning I was up for the 4th time with our 6 month old. She wasn't hungry, wasn't wet, wasn't poopy, wasn't cold, she was just up. Just a couple of weeks ago this was so frustrating, because this was a change. She had been sleeping better before. But now waking up in the night is the norm. And on the days when she sleeps well, that is a very welcome change! But eventually any change will become the norm, and you'll find yourself easily and even happily dealing with anything that at one time was so challenging. Or just watch this clip, and it will make you love those moments :) Right here 3. Deposit your change somewhere safe When changes happen and i'm feeling weighed down, sharing that change with someone I love and feel safe with always lightens my load. Nine out of ten times this is Aaron, and the other one is my sisters or mom. No one can handle all of life's changes on their own, so deposit that change somewhere safe, and you will find that those deposits create an extremely fulfilling relationship, what a worthwhile investment! From Emma... In our home as of late, there've been a lot of plans made and changes to plans, and new plans on top of that so I've had a lot, A LOT, of feelings. Do you ever tell yourself you feel a certain way about something and then as time goes on you realize you don't actually feel that way at all? Those are just your "cover-up" feelings. Ya know, the ones that you have because you can't figure out what you're actually feeling yet but they make logical sense, until you realize what's actually going on in your brain? I think it's a genetic illness often passed from parent to child through the second X chromosome. Anyway, so I've been having all of these feelings and after sorting through the cover-up feelings I've discovered they all stem from the same word. And I don't mean like an outfit, scenery or Facebook status. I'm talking all out life decisions change. The kind that decide your finances, hobbies, home life, etc. Growing up, I knew what I wanted to study from the time I was a child so when I married my husband and he had no idea it was a very foreign world to me. He recently passed the halfway mark where you've finished your electives and need to decide because otherwise you're looking at a lot of time and dollars, neither of which sound appealing at our age with a baby. So after quite a few "major" changes over the past two years we sat down last night and had a talk about goals and out of it came a plan that includes a new major, Masters degree, likely additional education for me, job change, a move, and a number of other changes we hadn't anticipated until recently. I was feeling "okay." But I called my mom. Somehow hearing your mom say, "hey, how are you?" on the other end makes all those real feelings come in full force. *Out spews a string of cover-up feelings and thoughts about where I thought we would be and time and changes, and, and, and: essentially verbal vomit about the question marks in life* "Em," she said, "life is a journey not an event." I committed that to memory and then hung up. Later, I found myself sitting in my sons bedroom on the floor, taking the clothes he's grown out of out of the drawers and placing them into a bin. Then, filling the vacant space with clothes sized 12-18 months. Holding up my favorite red and blue striped sleeper that hasn't fit him for months I looked at the outline and made a mental comparison to now. Cue real feelings. I believe love is an emotion that transcends time because it isn't of this world. It's greater than this life. Knowing that, I felt the changes in my love for Noah and for life in general. I loved him differently when he was a newborn, and then 3 month old, then six, now 10. And each phase brought with it a special and unique kind of love that I feel a closeness to but is both gone and ever present. Now that we have a plan, I feel the same way about our life up to now. Every stage has been packed full of love, learning and dreams. I fear the dreaming will stop because we now have a solid direction that decides what our future looks like in large part and I know that gradually we will trade now for later. I don't love later yet because I don't know it well but I sure love now. So that's it. I feel love and longing for what's passed/passing, gratitude for the things we've learned and trepidation about the future. Even with all the changes, I realize it's a privilege to feel and no matter what, I'll always keep dreaming. I just need to learn how to use the change instead of fear it. From Sam... There's a lesson I've been trying to learn for a long time, and it's really hard for me. Want to know what it is? Dealing with change gracefully. I think I'm a "deal with change ugly" type of person. It's not change like moving somewhere new or starting a new job. I actually enjoy that kind of change. It's more when things change inside of me. Since dealing with depression, I've noticed my ability to do things has diminished quite a lot. By nature I'm a very driven person, and I love measuring my success by what I've achieved. Here's the problem, though. Often, it's the ruler by how I measure my worth or value as an individual. (Yes, I know. It's totally messed up, but I'm keeping it real.) So, as anyone with depression knows, you usually aren't able to achieve as much as you were before. And let me tell you, it sucks! Especially when you have a warped sense of self worth based on what you achieve. (You're getting the picture that it's a lose-lose situation that can easily spiral downward, right?) What does this have to do with anything? I'll tell you! (And I promise it'll soon get less bleak.) My son's third birthday was last week, but since aaron had Saturday off instead of Sunday I wanted to celebrate early. I questioned if that was the right decision? I mean, what kind of eternal consequences could there be for this kids psyche if he discovers that we lied to him and told him his bday was Saturday when it wasn't actually until Sunday?!?!? And more importantly, how much is his therapy going to cost us?!?? Yes I'm being sarcastic, but I seriously felt bad about it. (Stupid, I know!) Friday night I got everything decorated so that he'd wake up to a kitchen with pirate decor and his favorite birthday cereal. (Which btw he loved!) The day went on and he mostly just hung out and I attempted to clean the house, until that evening when we had homemade pizza for dinner and cake and presents. (All of which was happening about three hours later than I had wanted because I'd been too tired to make the cake the night before, and the realized at about 1:30 that I needed sugar.) So by the time it was bedtime I was spent, the house was a mess, and I just wanted nothing more than to wave my middle finger at the universe, put on my PJs and go to bed. But thanks to my guilty conscience because I was a grump to the kids before bed, I couldn't sleep. I got up to clean, and after about an hour and a half I heard little footsteps coming down the hall. It was Charlotte who needed a drink. I quickly scooped her up and rocked her in the rocking chair, and all those things I was bummed about not doing or not doing well or enough of didn't matter anymore. So Sunday (Finn's real birthday) Charlotte and I had dance practice. So in order to acknowledge his REAL birthday I made cupcakes. I was rushed and it was a pain, but I was determined to achieve and be awesome! Long story short, Aaron ended up making it home early and I didn't take Finn to practice with us. So we had 40 cupcakes I'd busted my butt to make to celebrate Finn (because isn't that what good achieving mom's do?!?) and no Finn to even appreciate them. (Are you seeing a pattern?) Then today, the kids were supposed to have swimming lessons from 9-9:45, dance from 10-12, and then a series of errands before I leave for adult dance practice tonight. Finn didn't want to wake up this morning and was acting like a teenager who had stayed up til 4am playing video games. (He seriously would moan, roll over, put his blanket on his face and go back to sleep.) I finally coaxed him out of bed, got him ready and we were off to the pool (all of this time he was whining saying he didn't want to do swimming lessons anymore). When we arrived at the pool he started screaming and sobbing. After we walked past the front desk I stopped dead in my tracks, looked at him and said "do you really not want to swim anymore?" (Like I even needed to ask.) then I asked Charlotte if she wanted to swim. She replied, "not really, but you said we had to so I was being nice." I turned around, went to the front desk and cancelled the lessons. And guess what! We all felt 100% better! I had been dreading doing swim 4x a week, kid dance lessons 4x a week, adult lessons 4x a week, and preparing for school to start in two weeks. What was I even thinking stretching myself so thin?!?!? But for the first time since we moved here I can finally say out loud "I just can't do this right now!" And the best part is, I'm ok with that. I HAVE CHANGED. I'm not capable of running as hard without getting overwhelmed. I'm not able to keep a spotless house right now. I'm not able to be burdened with extra baking, or throwing a stellar bday party, or running my kids to a million lessons everyday. This is a new season, and when I eliminate those extra things, that really mean nothing, I am so much better able to be happy, kind and loving and focus on the things that matter most. So to all of you out there who can relate, get rid of some of the extra crap in your life. Accept that you're not in it, and dump it like a toxic boyfriend! You don't need it, and it's not doing anything for you! And accept that you're worth isn't tied up in it. I promise, you'll feel 100% better!!! And the best part of all? The less time you spend on things that don't matter, the more time you have to play, laugh, and enjoy life. When I started struggling with depression I wondered if I would ever feel better again. Aaron would call midday to see how my day was going and when I'd start to cry he would often say something like, "Did you get a good workout in?" or "Did you get out of the house?" or "Did you drink enough water/get enough sleep/eat enough, etc.?" It was extremely frustrating because the answer was always "yes". I was doing everything I had always done that made me happy--exercise, eat healthy, socialize--and yet nothing was making me happy. I started to feel like I would never get better, and when one thing would go wrong it seemed to bleed into every other area of my life. The kids would splash water all over the bathroom floor, and the whole morning was a disaster. I wouldn't start dinner in the crock pot on time, and the whole day was ruined. I was stuck in a rut where every mishap was pervasive and every negative emotion felt permanent.
Since I've gotten a lot better I still struggle with those two Ps: Pervasiveness and Permanence (anyone who has read Option B by Sheryl Sandberg is familiar with these), but my awareness of them has helped me to not be encumbered by them because I have learned to change my perspective. You all know that feeling when you start off the day running behind because your alarm didn't go off, so you're racing to get ready, then you stub your toe, then you're running out the door and you can't find your keys...(Yeah, you know what I'm talking about). You're finally on your way to work, and you're thinking "great, today is going to suck!" (But, wait a second, you've only been awake for 30 minutes so how can that 30 minutes determine the next 15 1/2 hours of your day? This is pervasiveness.) And then you start to think, "I always do this! I'm never going to be good at being punctual! I can't ever get my crap together!" (This is permanence.) Here's another example (my mom heard this story in a Gottman seminar and I loved it so you're welcome!) : You get up in the morning and you roll over and see your significant other lying in bed with their back next to you. Your first thought is "hm...when did he start putting on that extra weight? I cook healthy so he must be eating out for lunch again at work. (insert eye roll)" Then you get up, walk around the bed where you stumble on his dirty clothes and you think, "Gosh, we've been together for 10 years and he still can't figure out where the laundry hamper is? REALLY?" Then you go into the bathroom to brush your teeth and his razor and whiskers are all over the sink and you think, "ugh...great! Now I get to clean out the sink too! He ALWAYS does this!" Do you see how easily permanence and pervasiveness creep in? Let's look at the same situation, but from a different perspective: You get up in the morning and you roll over and see your significant other lying in bed with their back next to you. Your first thought is, "hm...when did he start putting on extra weight? It's probably because he's been working such long hours and doesn't have time to go to the gym anymore. Gosh, I am so lucky to be married to someone who works so hard for our family!" Then you get up, walk around the bed where you stumble on his dirty clothes and you think (while you smile and shake your head, "some things never change. Oh well. I'm glad he at least leaves his clothes right-side out." As you look back over at him you realize that he is cradling your toddler who must have gotten up in the middle of the night. You didn't even hear them come in because he took care of it so you could sleep. Then you go into the bathroom to brush your teeth and his razor and whiskers are all over the sink and you probably don't even notice them because you just opened the drawer to grab your toothbrush and caught a whiff of his cologne and you think, "I love him so much!" Now these two scenarios were the exact same, but had such a different ending because of the perspective. What made these two different? GRATITUDE! Gratitude changes EVERYTHING!!! Truly, by simply looking at the bright-side your entire world can change. Joanna Gaines says that, "The trick is practicing a kind of thankfulness that isn’t based on time or place or circumstance. Even in the trials of life, if we have eyes to see them, we can find good things everywhere we look." I'm still very afraid that my depression will come back. It's actually one of my greatest fears. When I start to feel depressed, or even just off, my immediate thought is, "Oh no! It's going to come back, and I'm going to be miserable forever!" Especially if I've had several days in a row where I've struggled. Each challenge can become more and more pervasive, and then the illusion of permanence starts to creep in. But I am learning everyday to change my perspective, and to focus on the good things and show thankfulness and gratitude. When I look back on the most difficult depressing days I can see so many silver linings. My husband stood by me, the kids were sleeping through the night, I had a job, we had good friends who often helped with the kids, we had family close by, we had insurance that covered Finn's medical issues, etc. I could go on and on. Nobody gets off scot-free. Everyone has stuff they have to deal with. (And trust me, nothing is permanent!) But we can always find good if we have eyes to see it. -Sam Comment below with some of the things that you're thankful for! I experienced my first anxiety attack at the age of 19. That's late for some, early for others. Anxiety has been one of the most difficult things I've experienced in my life. The endless fear coupled with countless perceived inadequacies would leave any person in a state of paralysis. Obviously not enjoying how that feels I had to question, why do I have anxiety? The answer I came to: Who cares? I've stopped asking myself that question. There are too many reasons to explain them all and since I don't have a series of PHD's in psychology, neurology, sociology, and any number of other subjects relating to human psychosis I probably couldn't figure it out any ways. The better question, how can I manage it to where I'm able to enjoy life? Over the years since I had my first attack I've had the privilege of getting to know myself a lot better and in doing so discovered something amazing. I am awesome! Now, let's clarify. Do I have unfortunate moments? yes. Am I at times impatient? You bet. Do I make perfect decisions all the time? Of course...okay maybe not. But... I am STILL awesome! And so are you! Something that helped me through the worst of my anxiety was developing a new relationship with myself and God. At the time I discovered I had a lot of misconceived notions and perspectives about who God is and what he expects or doesn't expect of me and what I expect of myself. When my husband and I decided it was time to embark on the incredible journey of parenthood it was nothing short of incredible. The tender mercies along the way were innumerable and incredible in their own right. One day I could feel something was different about my body and I knew. The pregnancy test confirmed it. As both lines appeared the nerves immediately set in but not before I felt an overwhelming sense of something else: love. An overwhelming love for this human I had never met and would have the privilege of spending my existence caring for. It was as if I existed on this planet to love him. And he is awesome. It's taken a lot of time to learn God loves me in that same, unconditional, unyielding, unbiased and untainted way, but he does. He sees it all in me: the good, the bad and the ugly, and he loves me still. Maybe the problem wasn't that I didn't know God loved me. Maybe the problem was that I didn't love myself because I put limitations on my own deserving of love. And in my mind because that love wasn't there, I wasn't awesome. Good thing I found out that was a bunch of baloney. When we start seeing ourselves the way we really are (awesome) we can get past the anxiety of feeling like we aren't enough. We are! And it's beautiful. And why are we? For no other reason than that we're human beings! Do you know the functions that go on in your body on a daily basis? That alone is something to marvel at, no matter your theology. So let's talk about awesome. There are a few common misconceptions about personal awesomeness. Lie 1. We are only as awesome as the lowest culmination of our positive attributes. I whipped up a graphic to illustrate. Oftentimes people think they are only as awesome as their lowest culmination of positive attributes. In this instance that would be 17%. They are 17% awesome because that's the highest of all their positive attributes together: motivated, happy, caring, patient, etc. There are a few problems with this, the biggest being it's not true. Personal best is not a one time evaluation that defines who you are. It is an ever changing, living, breathing thing. In fact, it's you. You are always your personal best because who else could it be? That doesn't mean you're always happy with your performance which is the beauty of being able to change, adapt, grow and modify behaviors. But even so, we are still 100% awesome. Lie 2. We are only as awesome as our highest negative attribute. 100%-81%= 19% awesome True? False. It's not reasonable to say we are only as awesome as our biggest shortcoming. When we actually take the time to think about that, we know it isn't true. My shortcomings vary every day. Sometimes I'm not as rested and that makes me a bit less tolerant. But even when I'm a grouch to my husband he still loves me. Why? Because I'm still awesome! I just need to work on being more patient. When we gauge our awesome with either of these methods, we are putting all the emphasis on negative things. We are focusing on our deficiencies. Are we alive and breathing? That means we have purpose. And that's pretty awesome too. I once heard the phrase, "positive things happen to positive people." How can we expect to feel positive about ourselves if our personal analysis is based solely on perceived shortcomings? We are incapable of being completely objective with ourselves because we can only see things from our perspective, which is flawed because we aren't perfect. Funny little cycle. That being said, our judgments are probably incorrect anyways so why waste time on them? I've been reading The Book of Joy featuring His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The Dalai Lama said, "One of my practices comes from an ancient Indian teacher. He taught that when you experience some tragic situation, think about it. If there's no way to overcome the tragedy, then there is no use worrying too much. So I practice that." I love the simplicity of his statement. Try to think about it in terms of attributes. Are there things I don't prefer about my character? Yes. Are there instances where I speak out of turn and am unkind? Yes. But once I have, there's nothing that can be done other than apologies (which are important and necessary). It doesn't make ME good or bad, it makes me human who made a bad choice. Being human is also what makes me awesome so how can I be opposed to that? I always want to be improving myself. I want to be more patient, kind, tolerant, caring, etc. But I can use the knowledge that I'm awesome to motivate me. This is how I picture it: I'm a culmination of all these things but they don't define me. My humanity defines me and that's pretty cool because no matter what, there is a man upstairs that loves all of us like I love my son, only better and ya know what? He's awesome, just like you.
I'd love to read your thoughts on the topic. Join the discussion by commenting below! Love, Emma |
who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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