I feel like we talk a lot about being overwhelmed, but it's something that we can all relate to. It doesn't matter who you are; your job, race, demographic, marital status, age, or geographical location, we ALL feel overwhelmed sometimes. After Finn was born, and I began to develop postpartum depression I didn't know what to do or why I was feeling so terrible. I was ashamed to admit that I was depressed, that I couldn't manage my home, my marriage was struggling, I felt that my spirituality was in crisis, and I was worried about my children but felt I was unable to relate to their needs. I was falling apart. I cried a lot, and although I had friends I wasn't able to muster up the courage to really put it out there and ask them for help. I went to the gym, was up to my eyeballs in self-help books, was busting my butt to accomplish my "to-do" list everyday, and yet I was still in a downward spiral of unhappiness. I desperately needed help, but the longer I waited, the worse it got, the more ashamed I felt, and the more difficult it was for me to find the energy to do anything. I was a miserable mess! As time went on I knew I needed to do something or I was going to lose it. I was exhausted from spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. I wasn't growing as a person, and I knew I wasn't capable of being the kind of friend, wife and mother that I wanted to be. I decided to go to a doctor, get on anti-depressants, see a therapist, hire someone to help around the house, arranged for someone to watch the kids once a week, and eventually insisted that Aaron and I go to marriage counseling. As time went on and the healing process took place I told myself I would never again allow myself to become so miserable (even if that meant swallowing my pride). Seeking and accepting help isn't something that comes naturally for me. I always like to be that person who steps in to help, not the person who needs something. But I've begun to recognize some of my triggers and that I just can't do as much as I used to--and that's ok! Here is a pattern that I have developed to assess where I'm at when I start to feel overwhelmed, or when I have waves of depression. 1. Identify what I'm feeling and why- Am I sad? angry? upset? stressed? 2. Cut extra things out that don't feed me- say "no" and don't volunteer to do extras 3. See if there's anything I can "do" on my own to help- meditate, exercise, relax, enjoy a hobby, etc. 4. Seek help from outside sources- friends, family, babysitters, doctor, counselor, etc. (These steps don't have to go from 1-4. Sometimes just identifying my feelings and recognizing the "why" is enough. Other times cutting out extras, or making more of an effort to exercise is enough. But when it's not enough just ask for help.) ("Mom! Look! I will do snow angels in all the laundry!" I honestly didn't even care. Laundry is one of the things I've slacked on because it's just been too much. I figure as long as it's clean then we're in good shape. Finding clothes in a massive pile on the floor never killed anyone, right?) Since moving to Texas I have joined several Facebook support groups for doctor wives, and it has been so wonderful to finally have a group of women who understand what it's like for their husband to be gone on birthdays and holidays, who works 80+ hours/week and doesn't get paid for it, who has been a student FOREVER, and who frequently misses parties, events, and milestones. Doesn't having someone say, "YES! I Totally get it because I've experienced the same thing!" mean the world to you?!?!
I say "no" more often, and I don't feel guilty when I can't do everything I would like to. I hate the adage "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." My marriage has always had its ups and downs (I'm sure eventually I'll talk more about it). I used to wait until I was at my wits end before going to counseling. But about a week ago I joined a support group for women who want to improve their marriages. I don't want to wait until my marriage is broken to fix it. I want to maintain it so it stays in good condition. Maybe it's the weather, or that we are staying home alone as a family for christmas, or hormones, or a myriad of other reasons, but I've been feeling out of sorts. I'm good most of the time, but just not myself. So, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to have blood work done, and I got a referral to see a life coach. I don't want to wait until I'm miserable again to try to and get better. It's easier to tend a flame than to extinguish a fire. I'm sure that this probably seems like a lot, but I remember the first time I went the doctor asking to be put on anti-depressants (I had been seeing my provider for months, but was too proud to go on meds before this) I broke down and sobbed to the nurse because I felt so badly about myself. She put her arm around me and said, "baby, nobody should have to suffer. That's why there's help out there." And I firmly believe that! So, the next time you're starting to feel overwhelmed try the steps I mentioned. If #1-3 don't work, then send out an S.O.S. and get yourself some help! Keep in mind that it's going to look different for every person. Your needs, stressors, coping mechanisms and triggers are going to be different than mine. And that's great! But if you need help, JUST ASK! Get a babysitter, let some housework go so that you can take a nap, call in sick to work and get a massage, call your doctor, join a support group, go to the gym, DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! Because in the words of a wise nurse, "nobody should have to suffer".
0 Comments
From Sam... I wanted to say thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, and especially thank you to Molly for the touching post she reluctantly agreed to let me pay her to write. (he he jk) Seriously, though, I was extremely touched by the many thoughtful things people texted me, all the phone calls, and everyone just making me feel loved and remembered. Because my birthday is November 28th, it always falls within a couple of days of (or on) Thanksgiving. I'm going to be honest, it's been LAME! Because nobody ever remembers me while they're eating leftovers of turkey and stuffing! (Which I guess would be weird if they did, but still!) I've literally had years where not one person besides my parents and siblings wish me a happy birthday or acknowledge my bday in any way. Everyone wants to be remembered. It just feels good! And you know what it's important because PEOPLE MATTER! When we were moving to Texas we had undergone some really big changes in our family, and I wondered how I would find a support group. I was nervous to reach out to other women, but finally told myself enough times "They need a friend just as much as I do" that I started to believe it. So, emailed Kelsey (my first friend) who I met on a FB page of resident wives moving to Ft. Hood. I asked if she wanted to meet up for coffee or something while I was in town to house-hunt. I was nervous, excited, and hoped that she wasn't a weirdo and she didn't think that I was. But I kept telling myself "she needs a friend just as much as I do". From the moment I met her, I liked her. She was laid back, positive, had a good sense of humor and seemed like a ton of fun. We kept in touch for the next several months. We moved to Texas at the end of May, and I spent all of June scouting out fun things for us to do. The first day she got into town we arranged to meet at the park . While we were there we met another woman (Erica) who had small children with similar ages. We started talking, and when we were getting ready to leave Erica asked if we wanted to exchange numbers. That next week I invited them to meet up for lunch at Chick-fil-a and the rest is history. About a month later Erica invited us over for a playdate and said she invited another woman she met on an officer wives FB page. As I was picking Charlotte and Finn up from school I realized that other woman had kids the same ages as mine and they were in the same respective classes. The play date was a success, and we have all become very close friends. Last night the girls took me out for my birthday, and we had a wonderful time talking, laughing, eating, and just enjoying being together. I think that we can all agree that our lives would be very different had we not offered or accepted an invitation. PEOPLE MATTER! People enrich our lives, help us to feel normal, give us perspective, offer support, and teach us. I have heard many people say things like, "I just don't want to deal with other people" or "people are too much of an investment for me", and I think "you must be very lonely". PEOPLE MATTER! And there's nothing better than feeling like YOU MATTER to someone else! So, the next time you feel lonely, or empty, or sad, don't close off! I've done that before, and it just hurts! Open up! Look outward! Reach out! Because PEOPLE MATTER! And YOU MATTER! And "They need a friend just as much as you need one!". From Molly. Yep, true dat, people do matter! Aaron and I spent about 2 hours tonight having a conversation about why/how relationships do matter so much - relationships with God, with spouses, friends, kids, parents, etc. One of our conclusions is that close relationships (especially family relationships) are the perfects grounds for developing strong character. But they are definitely an investment. Each of us only has so many resources (time, money, energy), but where we choose to allocate those resources determines so much of our happiness. Take the time to build lasting relationships. Sam talked about putting yourself out there, and once you do, you'll need to invest. So invest your assets where you trust they'll multiply - in safe, enriching, edifying relationships. For me one of my greatest examples of this is my relationship with Aaron, my husband. If Aaron and I published our love story, the first chapter would end with "and they lived happily ever after" then there would be 78 more chapters to follow on topics like how throwing kids into the mix turned our life upside down, how I never did stop leaving the toilet paper roll empty on the bar, a few chapters on the stupid arguments, and the majority of the book would be on reaching out, forgiving, trusting, confiding, changing, and trying again. I love our relationships, but you better believe we have to deposit into it every - single - day. We both do. But it does matter! It matters not only for our kids, and generations to come but also because our relationships is one of the hands-down greatest sources of joy in my life. So people do matter, and our relationships with them do too! Make it a priority and deposit most where you want the most payout later. |
who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
Check Out Molly's Book! |