Journal Entry from 11/17/20 (the week before Thanksgiving): I knew this day would come, but I wasn’t sure when. I was hoping she’d at least wait until she was a teenager and could prepare all of her own food three times a day. But, nope. She’s determined. Charlotte has decided that in honor of all of the animals in the world, she is forsaking meat! (Apparently the fact that we live in Texas, and barbecue restaurants and beef ranches abound is inconsequential to her.) How did this come about you ask? Last night while getting ready for bed she saw a dead fly in the bathroom. According to Charlotte, it broke her heart, and then made her think of the purpose of life, and how it’s not fair that we kill animals for our gain. This girl has passion. She cried for a good long while about it. And then told me a story about a little girl who apparently saved Thanksgiving by writing a letter to the President. That Thanksgiving, they didn’t eat Turkey. (I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they likely ate some other form of meat as the main entrée.) I wasn’t really sure what to do about this debacle. I’ve done the vegan thing before, and realized it’s not for me. I like to eat meat, eggs, dairy, and I also really like to eat turkey on Thanksgiving. But, just like I have learned to listen to myself to solve problems, I am practicing instilling that same gift in my children. I asked her what SHE wanted to do about it. “Can we write a letter to the President, and maybe the new guy President? And the guy who will be the President if the President dies? And all the congressmen and women? And we should write letters to all of the governors too!” This kid was on a roll. I explained to her that we could definitely write letters to the President and Vice President, to the Texas state Governor, and to our town’s Mayor. This satisfied her. Then I asked, “So, what’s your plan for Thanksgiving then? What do you propose we eat?” She was very thoughtful and then replied, “PIZZA! We will have pizza!” Sometimes, it’s just better not to argue. So I kissed her and reassured her that I would have the addresses ready when she got home from school. Today: For the record, she couldn’t resist the bacon the next morning so she gave up her resolve to become vegetarian. We didn’t write letters. And, we enjoyed turkey on Thanksgiving. You know, there are a hundred different ways to handle a situation like this. And no one way is "the right way". When my kids were younger, I was ill-equipped to deal with them with very much patience. I knew antics like this were most likely a phase, and I didn’t have the tools to see the phase through gracefully. I would say things like, “Get over it!” or “I’m not doing that!” or “I don’t have the energy to deal with this right now!” All of these things were true, but it didn’t validate their experience. Now that my kids are a little bit older, and more independent, I have more mental and emotional bandwidth, and I am able to see the lessons that are learned as they challenge their culture and discover their truth. Do I think that whether or not Charlotte eats meat (no matter how brief or drawn out this phase is) will greatly impact her life? No. But, I know that how I react when she poses a concern that challenges the social norm, will. She will remember if I made her feel safe, understood, loved, and supported. She will remember whether or not she felt “seen”. We all want to be seen and heard. And, if you have a spirited child like I do, they seem to challenge your ability to see and hear them in very creative ways. My son, Finn, feels seen if I let him tell me how his day was and I snuggle him. Charlotte likes to come up with elaborate schemes, or she questions the societal constructs that we live by. This wasn’t a learned behavior. She has always been this way. Two children, same parents, and yet such different ways of expressing and feeling love. I can tell you, it is much more energy to seek to understand, validate, and connect with Charlotte. But the bond that we create, and the confidence she gains each time she is heard and understood is priceless to me. If you consider the lessons taught by spiritual leaders from all religions throughout history, one thing that they have in common is that they saw people as individuals. They didn’t lump them together or condemn them for their differences. They saw them as living, divine souls, each with a gift or purpose to share with the world. I think that as we practice seeing others as individuals--really seeing them without judgement--we will begin to restore our faith in humanity. Nobody wants to be a stereotype. Stereotypes have a pre-written story complete with a predictable ending. We can all make our own story, change our ending, and we should extend that courtesy to all of humanity. I’m not saying that we need to seek to understand or give empathy to people or relationships that are toxic in our lives. I strongly recommend putting mental, emotional, and physical health and safety as your highest priority. But, as I look around and see the cynicism that abounds, I am saddened that many of us are choosing to live unhappy, lonely lives because we focus on our differences rather than what we have in common. We have one life to live. Let’s choose to “see” our families. Choose to “see” our co-workers. Choose to “see” our neighbors. If you have difficulty finding common ground, set your ego aside and say, “tell me more”. Brené Brown says that it’s impossible to hate someone up close. When you really see someone, you develop empathy and compassion. You begin to imagine what they must feel, and then you are free of judgment. I have decided to begin a book club come the new year to help us connect with our Spread the Good Community. Weekly, I will pose a discussion question about the reading, and what we will be reading for the following week (it will be something manageable, just a couple of chapters). I want to kick start it with Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute. (You can order it here) Look for a post about it on Instagram @go.spread.the.good I wish you all a wonderful holiday season with your loved ones near and far. I hope that you are reminded of what you are grateful for, bask in it, and spread the good!
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