From Sam... When was the last time that you did something that you enjoy? No, not "enjoy" like binge-watching Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I mean, something you love so much that it feeds your soul. Something that makes you feel inspired. Something that is yours. Something that is for no one else. Something that makes you feel alive inside. I would be surprised if most of you can think of something that fits that description, never mind remembering the last time you did it. Want to know how I know? Because that was me! People used to ask me what I liked to do…like, for fun. Besides my parental, marital, work and household responsibilities I couldn’t think of much. I’d say things like, "I help at their school", or “I like working out” or, “I used to like to read”. Really? That was the best I could do? My life had been reduced to the martyr who did everything for her family and in her spare time exercised and lamented on how she USED TO read? When did motherhood equate to martyrdom? When did being a responsible adult translate to being a slave to nothingness? You see that picture? That is my daughter, Charlotte. It was taken this summer right around her 8th birthday. If you ask her what she enjoys she can give you an entire list. She hasn’t yet learned the rules about growing up that mean that you can’t live for yourself. No. Charlotte belongs to herself. She is confident. She is wild. She sees and creates beauty. And her passions are independent of what others think of her. I’ve always admired that in her.
A couple of weeks ago, we decided to send the kids to school. Virtual learning was becoming a huge strain on our (mine and the kids) relationships (and how the heck am I supposed to teach my kids math these days???). The days leading up to it she was filled with so much anxiety. What if I don’t like it? What if people don’t like me? What if the school catches on fire? What if I get sent to the principals office? What if something bad happens? What if I get an F? What if kids are mean to me? What if…what if…what if… It was exhausting! And even more so, it was tragic to watch my baby girl acknowledge that the world is scary and sometimes cruel. I wanted to wrap her up in a warm cocoon, and promise that I would protect her forever and she would never have to do anything hard ever again. But, I am a firm believer in building resilience because it is the only way to make it through this scary, cruel world. It’s also the only way to find the beauty and the joy. I knew that she needed to believe that she was capable, and the only way for her to know that was for me to express my faith in her. We talked a lot about courage, and how every time we face a fear our courage grows. I also had to admit that we cannot always avoid bad things. We can’t control bullies, or tornadoes, or whether or not the roof might cave in, but we can look to our helpers to help us navigate. My sister, Emma, says that there’s really no such thing as a “grown-up”. That it’s something that we say so that we can demand respect from younger people. At first I thought that she was crazy, and then she explained it to me. She says that like children, adults are afraid of things. We just hide it. Like children, we have things that make us excited and thrilled, but we suppress it. Like children, we don’t know what is going on or what to do most of the time, but we fake it. I think she’s right. In her book, Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown talks about how children aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. They express excitement and happiness, and even sadness and grief, openly. They have little inhibition when expressing their emotions because we, as humans, are wired for connection, and being vulnerable is the best way to connect with another human-being. Tweens and adolescents are the most uncomfortable with expressing vulnerability because they are more concerned with “fitting in” than “belonging”. In Glennon Doyle’s book, Untamed, she tells her daughter to never lie to make a friend, because then you never have to lie to keep them. I think that as we grow, we often lie to ourselves because fitting in is easier than truly connecting. And connecting with ourselves is often terrifying. I spent the weekend with all four of my siblings, my parents, and my maternal grandparents celebrating my dad’s retirement. (Talk about a baptism of connection and belonging!) One evening we were circled around the piano playing songs and singing. My sister started playing “Wagon Wheel”, and my 5 year old niece exclaimed that it was her favorite, stepped on top of the ottoman, and belted that song at the top of her lungs--dance moves included. As I watched her swallowed up in the music, dancing, stomping, bellowing the lyrics, I began to cry. There is something precious about someone who feels so deeply and isn’t afraid to show it. I also felt sad that recently I have seen signs that my own daughter is losing touch with herself, and also fear that she will lose her sense of belonging and replace it with fitting in. While I don’t have the blue prints for raising confident, self-assured children, I do believe that they cannot learn it without seeing it modeled. They have to see parents who connect with themselves and others. This means, they need to see parents who are vulnerable in pain and happiness. No, I’m not saying you need to share your innermost grief with the barista at Starbucks, or that you need to join a flashmob club. Both of those things sound like torture to me! But, it does involve modeling connecting with people. Looking at them in the eyes when you say “hello”. Rather than stewing about your spouse not doing the dishes, tell him the deep, underlying emotions (“I feel resentful because it makes me feel unappreciated and unloved”). It also involves doing things that feed your soul. What do you feel compelled to do right now? DO IT! I get it! It’s really hard! But do you think that Charlotte gave two craps about what someone thought about her over the top beach get-up, her fan, her watermelon pool float, or her lady bug umbrella? Do you think my niece ever considered that anyone was watching her sing and dance? NO! Because they belong to themselves! Since things began shutting down in March due to Covid-19, I have tried to find what feeds my soul. I began painting. I tried embroidery. I became obsessed with everything coffee (beans, regions, climate, brew methods, etc.). I have made over 40 loaves of sourdough bread in various forms. I began reading more. I began resting more. And now, with 4 loads of laundry ready to be folded, I am sitting on my couch with a blanket, cup of tea, my dog, Christmas on Alexa, and I am writing. We cannot pour love out into this world if our cups are empty. I still have so much to learn from these little people I’m blessed to have in my life. But I will continue to strive for vulnerability so that I too can belong to myself. And in turn, I will spread the good!
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who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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