From Sam... I am so blessed that I get so much joy from my family. If I could choose to spend all of my time with my parents, grandparents and siblings I would! But I understand that this is rare, and that many of you would feel like you were living some version of hell. So, for those of you who want nothing more than to NOT spend every waking moment with your family how can you build a family support system? A family is a "social unit" and can take many forms. If you look back at the evolution of humans there were three main purposes for family 1) to pro-create, 2) for safety, and 3) for enrichment. For the most part those three main purposes still apply. Now, when your relationships aren't creating safety or healthy, positive enrichment it might be a good time to re-configure your family unit. My husband and his dad haven't spoken in over 7 years because that was a relationship that neither fostered safety nor positive enrichment. When we had our own kids we were determined to create our own family support system that was healthy, safe, and enriching. We have also sought out friendships that were the same way because being in the military we consider our friends to be like an extension of family. So, for those of you who are a product of a dysfunctional family (which we all are to some degree) remember that you are not bound to repeat the same mistakes or behaviors, and you also don't have to drag that baggage around with you your entire life. You can create your own family support system with your own little family, your significant other, your dog, and/or your friends by seeking out individuals that create an enriching, safe environment. From Molly... "We are a family! I got all my sistas and me!" Sing it girl! Everyone needs love and support! As people we naturally crave sociability, though some more than others. Everyone searches for a sense of belonging, and the older I get, the more destructive avenues I see to fulfill this yearning. From my experience and observation, the stronger the family support structure, the less likely kids (and even adults for that matter) will seek belonging down a path that actually leads to their unhappiness. But how to we build and develop this support structure? For parents and grandparents: Make your children the priority, above all else and let them know how much you love them. Now that I have my own kids, I see how difficult this is. It's so easy for your kids to take a back seat (and we're not just talking about seat belt laws :)) to your own ambitions, your insecurities, your fears, or your perception about how other people view you, your kids, or your parenting. Kids need a foundation of security from their actual parents or a parental figure. I know that my mom was the mother of many more than 5 kids because she offered kids an relationship where they would be encouraged to be their very best and love even when they fell short of that. For aunts and uncles: Keep tabs on your nieces and nephews. I love when I hear from and aunt or uncle. We don't talk often, but every time we do I feel their love and genuine interest in my life. They express their support and concern for my family. I sooo much appreciate the work my siblings put in to building relationships with my kids. Emma spends a lot of time with my girls, helps with diapers, reads to Stella, and respects mine and Aaron's preferences. Sam, although in Texas, talks to Stella on the phone every few days, encourages relationships with her cousins, and often gets my kids little gifts when she's out and about. Andrew sits with his kids and types out letters to my kids on his typewriter and then mails them to us. Stella is always so thrilled to know she got her own mail and knows exactly who her uncle, aunt, and cousins are, even as far as Oklahoma. Brian always talks to Stella if he can hear her in the background of our phone call, sincerely asks how my kids are doing, and his wife helps set up video chatting dates with their kids and ours. Brian even has a special thing with Stella where when he sees her he kisses her hand and says "my lady" and she gets a sheepish little grin. These relationships take effort! It is so comforting to me to know that my kids will have the kind of relationships with their aunts and uncles that makes sending them for a week in the summer a viable option when my kiddos need to hear good advice from someone other than a parent. Siblings: Invest the time to really understand each other - with no competition. This is something I'm still working on. I love each of my siblings and their spouses, but there are still ways I just don't understand them and visa versa. Coming to understand them does take time and effort, but it is well worth the investment! I'd bet the biggest contributor to unfulfilling sibling relationships is a lack of understanding one another. Of course there are other deeper reasons, but in general, I bet this is the biggest. Competition on the other hand strangles relationships. Understanding helps with that too. Society as a whole: Support families. Encourage values of selflessness, fidelity, and hard work. You need all in happy family relationships. As a society, we need to use the word "love" less and use phrases like these more: help build lasting happiness, encourage self-confidence, empower to improve, see the good, selflessly guide. These are truly love. Our society often talks about "love" as if love is saying "you're awesome, I accept you just how you are and support you!" right as the person is walking toward a cliff. People don't just want to be accepted how they are - they want people to see all the good in them and their potential and then lovingly help with what needs to be corrected. We all have things that need to be corrected. My strongest relationships are with people who see all the good in me and then lovingly help me change the bad or dysfunctional. For those without happy family circumstances: Make a new family. Like I said earlier, my mom "adopted" a lot of kids when we were younger. I have a lot of friends who's families also have "adopted" kids or were the adopted kid. What their own family couldn't supply, they searched for in another family or relationships. Of course it would be ideal if each of us found this in our own nuclear family, but that isn't realistic - that doesn't mean you can't break the mold. I have a few dear friends who are working hard to build their own healthy families despite their dysfunctional upbringing. I admire them so much! There are many many people who want to love, teach, and encourage you. Cling to those people in your life - the people you know will make you a better person and contribute to your lasting happiness. From Emma... If someone asked you what family is, what would you say? The following is the definition. Though this is the "technical" definition, I disagree! A family is so much more than just living bodies in a structure. It's an intricate web of sharing and experience, memories and laughter, hurt and healing. There is a simple fact when it comes to any relationship; it's complicated. And it's simple. In my experience you can't have one without the other. The simple part is that you love each other. The complicated part is everything else. Growing up in a close family, we definitely had our share of 'stuff.' And we are talkers. Picture a very loud party with lots of laughter, varying opinions, and too many thoughts to take inventory of. That's us in a nutshell. But don't forget the overwhelming feeling of love and support. We are the kind that would say something unintentionally hurtful and then feel so guilty about it if ever we found out we had! We are all different but because of the common factor; love; we are able to support each other. That doesn't mean we always agree. That's an unrealistic expectation in any relationship. It does mean though that if any of my siblings called and said they really needed me, as long as it didn't negatively affect my husband or kids, I would be there in a second. My sister in-law, Sarah (she's married to my brother Andrew), described it well: It's like an onion, layered, and each layer helps you have a more full life. Every family operates on a different plane. My husbands family communicates and interacts in completely different ways than mine. It still works! And it's a blast. For some people, family is just a house. They are missing out! Every family can have a home. Look to the yellow highlight below. We each come from generations of both put together and screwed up. The unique history is what makes it OUR family tree, and that's special. You are a breathing manifestation of someone else's sacrifice. We can flourish if we focus on gratitude and love. I'm proud of where I come from, the good and the bad, because those things are what make me, me.
As we cultivate a safe environment filled with love, we can establish and maintain a support system that lasts beyond disagreements, lifestyle choices we may not agree with, tragedy and any other ailment. The prescription is always the same: love and understanding. And a little patience also helps ;)
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who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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