Think of someone in your life who you think has it all together. They have a great marriage, they and/or their husband has a great job, they make great money, their kids are adorable and perfectly groomed, they wear designer apparel, drive nice cars, have a gorgeous house, and seem like they have it made. It's hard to not feel a little bit envious isn't it? Well, STOP IT! Your perception of that person probably couldn't be farther from the truth. Want to know how I know? Because I'm a doctor's wife. And let me tell you, there's nothing glamorous about it! When Aaron and I got married 9 1/2 years ago I was just shy of 20, and he was 22. We were young, in love, naive, hopeful, and (like many of you) completely unaware of the struggles we would face. When we started medical school it was a consistent uphill battle. During his first year of medical school I worked part-time at a gym so that I could get my membership fee waived (we were determined not to take out any loans our first year), I stayed at home with Charlotte often doing dinner, bedtime, and special events alone, I worked tirelessly to complete and defend my masters degree, and I had a miscarriage (oh, and in medical school you don't get to take a sick day when that happens). Five days before Aaron started his second year of medical I had our second child (three weeks early due to an emergency induction), and had just been hired as a public health professor. During the first three months of MS2 our son was having serious health issues, Aaron's schedule was about 5am-10pm Monday-Sunday and all the stress caused him to break out in shingles (you also don't get to take off work/school for shingles when you're in the medical profession), our marriage was suffering, and so were his academics. When he met with his mentor she told him that he and his family needed to understand that medical school was the most important thing, and his family needed to take a back seat. (As you can imagine, it didn't go over well.) Our marriage is the thing that this lifestyle has taken the most toll on. We have been in counseling together, done an intensive marriage workshop, and have worked really hard to make things work--especially now that we have kids. Over the past 9 years of my life I have received many thoughtless and insensitive remarks from others. Some of the most common ones are 1) if this is so hard on your family why don't you do something else?; 2) Well, at least he's going to be a doctor; 3) if it was MY husband, I'd just make him call in; 4) Just think, one day you'll have more money than you know what to do with. I'll address these individually: 1) Sometimes we don't have the ability to up and change our situation, and since everyone needs money to live we don't have the luxury of switching careers. We are not only over $100,000 in school debt, but we also have a contract with the army that says that he will practice as a physician for them for 4 years after his resident training is completed. If he were to "quit" the path to being a doctor he would work for the army doing who knows what for 4 years, we would have a lot of debt, and a human biology degree to fall back on. I'm sure you can all imagine how stressful that would be in your own lives. 2) Can I just say that this is one of the worst things that people have said. It completely dismisses anything difficult going on in life. When Finn was sick and I was running to 3 appointments a week, trying a finish moving into our house, and was parenting an infant and 2 year old completely solo the hope that someday in the unforeseeable future Aaron would be a doctor wasn't a consolation at all! It's not helpful to try to console someone based on a future job title, right? In fact, it doesn't even make sense. 3) If my husband calls in and doesn't go to work he fails his rotation. In fact, he tested positive for influenza A on Thursday and he had to go work in the ICU Monday. He has also been required to work when he tested positive for strep throat. For those of you who don't, or whose spouse doesn't, get sick days or paid time off you understand this. 4) As helpful as money is, it doesn't fix a broken home/marriage, or make up for birthdays,weddings, funerals and/or holidays that have been missed. Our family will never get those moments back because money can't turn back time. Now, I'm sure it sounds like I hate my life which absolutely isn't true. I have a wonderful life. I have chosen to fill it with people that love and support my family and me. And I'm fortunate that my kids and I are pretty adaptable. But when I hear people make insensitive comments about money/title/status regarding doctors and/or their wives and families I have to believe that it's simply because they don't understand that this lifestyle is a huge sacrifice. When I asked a group of doctor wives what they think is the hardest thing about/the biggest misconceptions are about being a doctor's wife these were some of the most common answers: -We don't have any "real" problems because he's a doctor. -That medical school and training was easy because Dr. Husband is smart. -That we have a ton of money and so we don't have any problems. -People don't understand why my husband is scheduled to get off at 5pm, but doesn't get home until 10pm. -I can't ever make plans regarding my husband because I never know his schedule for sure or when he'll be home. -I feel like a single parent. -People think my life is glamorous, but they don't realize that I worked to put him through school, raised him babies practically alone, and only saw him a couple of hours a week for years. -We get to go on vacation all the time, but Dr. Husband hasn't had time off in months. I'm sure that all of you can relate to some of these things. But I hope the the next time you see someone who appears to be doing well that you are kind and remember that nobody is free from difficulty or hardship. And when you're in the waiting room and your doctor is running 30 minutes behind it might be because he just had to tell a family that their child has leukemia, or he had to admit someone to the hospital, or he spent extra time teaching someone how to give themselves insulin injections. We are all people, and we are all trying to do our best. And you can't ever go wrong by being a little bit more kind. And don't ever forget that behind this image there are a million of these images that you don't see. :)
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who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
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