So, I LOVE special features of movies. I enjoy watching them almost as much as watching the movie itself. Aaron and I recently watched the 2019 Little Women together. Emma Watson plays the role of Meg, the oldest sister who, through her experiences, chooses a domestic life, married to a poor man who she adores. In the scene before Meg’s wedding, Joe tries to talk her out of it, telling her that the two sisters can run away together, and Meg can become an actress. Meg tells her sister that she wants to marry John, she loves him, and she wants a family. Joe retorts with “you’ll be bored of him in two years!”. Meg then responds with the key line: “Joe, just because my dreams are different than yours, doesn’t mean they’re unimportant.”
In the special features, Emma Watson says that this line is the reason she wanted to play the role of Meg -- Because there is no one way to be a feminist. So today i’m going to tackle an important topic: how women can find empowerment in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and its Priesthood. Yep, we’re doing this people! I find that whenever I discover truth, it is in perspective. So this article is my truth, my perspective, according to my experience. And I hope it will inspire. First, my heart aches for any woman who has ever felt less-than, unappreciated, irrelevant, or under-valued from her experiences in the church, especially those who have been neglected or abused by those “with the priesthood”. I believe if in the presence of your Heavenly Father and Mother, they would wrap you in their arms and tell you just how amazing you are and just how much they need YOU in their work. They would give you perfect love, that leads to perfect healing. My hope is that this blog post can, in some measure, serve that same purpose, helping you to feel empowered, needed, and optimistic for the future. So let’s jump in! Feminism and Patriarchy I consider myself a feminist, but what does that mean? It means I believe women and men have equal inherent value. Their perspectives, contributions, and gifts are equally important for the world. However, I also believe equality doesn’t equate to sameness. This is where I vear from mainstream and extremist feminism that supports the notion that equality for women means sameness with men. I don’t believe God is interested in us all being the same. And I believe men and women were created differently by design, BUT, in God’s eyes, men and women are equally important, valued, needed, and loved, and should be treated thus. Demanding sameness between the sexes breeds competition. Men are not 10 points ahead because they are ordained to the priesthood any more than women are 10 points ahead because their bodies have the natural ability to develop and bear children. Neither sex is more important to humanity. In fact, each is obsolete without the other. Plus, this competitive paradigm puts men and women always in opposition to each other, both trying to prove themselves as equal or superior, thus robbing society of fulfilling, respectful relationships, marriages, and families. Life should not be a competition between the sexes but rather an equal collaboration between the sexes. The Foundation: God’s Work God has a work, his Magnum Opus - to help all of us (his children) become like Him, become like our Savior Jesus Christ. The scripture is Moses 1:39 “For this is my work and My glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” He wants us all to become something. To say it simply, I believe that “something” is to become capable of perfect charity, hope, and faith (and yes, it does take more than a lifetime :)). And I believe this becoming is the way to lasting joy and fulfillment both in this life and hereafter. As part of that work, we make promises with God (covenants) to do our best to love him, serve Him, and love our fellow man. Every commandment points back to these two: loving God and loving our neighbor. And every man and woman who is baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ, makes these same promises with God. The point: The ultimate purpose of every member of the church, whether male or female, is the same - to do their best to become like their Savior, Jesus Christ. Male, female, black, white, rich, poor. Our ultimate purpose, and life work, is the same. Our Distaste for Patriarchy One of the reasons there is so much confusion and dysfunction when it comes to patriarchy stems from people not honoring their covenants to do their best to be like the Savior. Abuse, dominance, prejudice, pride, and so on are all a direct violation of the promises we’ve made with God. Unfortunately, for much of history, these characteristics and actions have also been (and continue to be) dismissed or even justified by patriarchal privilege. Let’s get one message through loud and clear: Any form of dominance, abuse, and even unkindness is not justifiable to God, by neither man nor woman. In fact, my favorite scripture on the priesthood says “no power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile.” That being said, we all know we fall short. God doesn’t demand perfection. But He does demand repentance: coming to Him in every thought and word, allowing His love to heal us, and sharing that healing with others. And He demands this level of devotion from every follower, man or woman. A New Perspective So now, I'm going to ask you to do something hard, REALLY hard. I’m going to ask you to open your mind to an ideal rather than your own experience. Because, that’s what we’re striving for as members of the church. We are striving for perfect unity with God, and that’s a tall order. And are we tripping a lot on the way? Absolutely! But we’re trying to fall forward. In the rest of this article, i’m going to define things in a way that might be new to you. And in doing so, hopefully you’ll be able to see a little better how a woman can thrive in the church if its members could better live the promises we’ve made. Patriarchal Authority: A man’s authority to protect, sustain, and support his family Let’s be honest, when we hear the words “patriarchal authority”, many of us cringe. We think in-charge, dominating, and overbearing. This is NOT what a patriarch should look like. Once again, a true patriarch (just like a true matriarch) should reflect the attributes of our Savior: kind, humble, loving, honest, accountable, and so forth. Patriarchal Authority is not a right, it is a calling. It is the calling for a man to put his family first among all other competing priorities and do everything in his power to protect, sustain, and support them. And although less talked about, Matriarchal Authority serves as the exact same calling for women. This is hard for many of us to picture because we simply weren’t raised by parents who really embodied these definitions. I gotta be honest, I don't even embody these characterisitcs a lot of the time. But that is exactly what the church encourages my husband and I to strive for in our home. And it is our responsibility to stay in tune with our family members to know when and how changes need to be made that help each member thrive. Remember, we're falling forward. The Priesthood - God’s power to accomplish His work. There are SO many questions about priesthood, partly because we don’t take the time to study out our questions with God, and partly because we’re still learning and growing as people and as a church. We DON'T have every answer. And to me, that’s exciting! Because learning means progress. I like to separate The Priesthood into two categories: Priesthood Power and Priesthood Organization. Priesthood Power Priesthood Power: The power God gives each of his children, whether male of female, to help in His work. Unfortunately, for years the importance of priesthood power has been downplayed in the church compared to priesthood organization. Yet without Priesthood Power, we could do nothing in God’s name. In the past few years, world church leaders have been encouraging us, both men and women, to access, embrace, and utilize this power. How do we receive Priesthood Power? Through obedience to the covenants we have made. In short, in being like Christ and serving Him. Every single man and woman has equal access to God’s power. Being a man, or being ordained to the priesthood, does not increase your access to priesthood power above what women can also access. Priesthood power is a function of faith, not sex. We access this power as a mother or father prays earnestly for her/his struggling child, as we sincerely apologize, as married couples share sacred and fulfilling sexual intimacy, as a woman bears a child, as a husband or wife sacrifices to provide for his/her family, as our capabilities are expanded, as we create, as we work to overcome addiction, as we take the holy sacrament, as we participate in ordinances, and as we do anything in a spirit of faith that draws us closer to God. We can access and use Priesthood Power every single day, thanks to our Savior, Jesus Christ. Priesthood Organization The other side of priesthood is the more widely emphasized, priesthood organization. God organizes His work in a specific way. The organization of the church can literally be laid out on a diagram (and it is). Every calling, whether filled by men or women, is equally honorable. A Key Point: EVERY effort of the church exists to strengthen families. We believe that the devil’s work is to destroy families, leaving people lonely, lost, and in despair. And so, it really does take a village. Priesthood Ordination: The call for men to serve others, in specific ways, within God’s work. In the Bible, Christ’s followers are called the Body of Christ. I love this analogy. We are His hands to lift the weak, His back to carry the burdened, His eyes to see the forgotten, and His lips to spread His hope. The key principle is this: without someone to serve, the server is a moot point. The end purpose of priesthood ordination is not the status of the person being ordained. It is the service he performs. Without someone to serve, the priesthood ordination is pointless. When a boy or man is ordained to the priesthood, it is essentially God saying “these are a few specific ways I want you to be my hands in serving your brothers and sisters”. An example: The Sunday Sacrament (or communion) There are many women who feel less-than because they’re not the one administering in this ordinance. Young men who have been ordained to the priesthood prepare, bless, and distribute or “pass” the holy sacrament to the congregation (This is an example of some of the specific ways God has asked them to participate in His work). When taken at face value, it’s easy to see how any woman could feel suppressed in this situation from the perspective of equality being sameness. But let’s take it back to God’s purpose and our covenants. We are all working toward the same things. And those receiving the holy sacrament are participating in this ordinance just as much as those administering. We are all working together to take upon us the name of Christ and renew our baptismal covenants through the sacrament. So for my daughters, I hope they never feel inferior in this situation. Rather, I hope their confidence is exponentially increased as they are ministered to and receive this ordinance, reminding them of the ever present love and power the Savior has for them, both physically and spiritually. And for my son, I hope he never feels superior, setting himself up as the light. Rather, I hope he becomes more humble and filled with love as he ministers to others and focuses outward, feeling the same love and power for him that Christ offers his sisters. I hope they recognize they're both working together, helping each other come closer to Christ. In the church, sometimes we minister, sometimes we are ministered to. But no matter which side, we come closer to the Savior in all of those experiences. Another note: Priesthood ordination requires priesthood power for efficacy. Meaning, a man can do all he wants “through his priesthood”, but if he is not honoring His covenants to follow Christ, God’s power isn’t with him, and his actions have no spiritual effectiveness. Another way to look at it is taking out the trash. Yes, I said taking out the trash. In our home, Aaron takes out the trash every week for the garbage man to pick up. I’ve never been disappointed or felt inferior because I don’t get to do that job. I have plenty to do on my own without also needing to take out the trash. And all we do as a couple, Aaron taking out the trash, me making lunches, him paying bills, me working in the garden, us both folding the laundry, is to create a home together. We are united on the kind of home we want, so we are each a part of all the other person does. I am part of his career, he is part of my homemaking. Different but one. Priesthood Blessings In the church, men ordained to the priesthood can give priesthood blessings of healing and comfort. I’ve been the benefactress of these blessings many times. But what about women? Why don’t they have a chance to give such blessings to others and to their children? We’ve sometimes mistakenly thought that women’s prayers don’t have as much efficacy as a priesthood blessing. But in reality, they do. Christ told his followers that if they had faith the size of a mustard seed, they could move mountains. So why not call down the powers of Heaven through prayer in blessing a sick child or bringing comfort to a struggling neighbor? Neither a priesthood blessing, nor a prayer, is the power to change God’s mind. Rather, they are both specific ways to minister to others. And personally, I am thankful to have SO many tools in our toolbox to open the windows of Heaven in our homes. I sometimes say what we, in our home, call a “blessing prayer” for my husband or our kids. This is a special prayer I offer, with a very specific purpose, exerting more effort than usual to connect with God and feel His spirit. These prayers have many times brought comfort, revelation, blessings, and even miracles into our lives. God is the orchestrator. We are just the instrument. Well, if we as women can use priesthood power to open the windows of Heaven, why even have priesthood blessings? My answer to that question is another question. Do we give our children only one way to cope with their challenges? God gives us multiple ways to cope with our earthly experience and connect with Him. This is the ultimate purpose of EVERYTHING we do in the church. Homemaking I wanted to give a quick minute to being a full-time homemaker. This topic can so easily divide women, each side touting why their way is right. But my perspective is a little different, so I wanted to share. I don’t remain a full-time homemaker based on morality or suppression. Personally, I really don’t like carrying the burden of working out of the home. I don’t like having a boss tell me what to do, have a rigid schedule, or carry the burden of financially supporting our family. Luckily for me, those are all burdens my husband is both willing, and wants to carry. I love the autonomy of being a full-time homemaker. In the past year I was able to write a novel, spend hours in my garden (which feeds my soul), learn to paint, visit friends and family throughout the day, take naps, brush up on my Spanish, and more...without having to feel guilty about it. I love that I get to choose how I use my time, set my own goals, change things up whenever I want to, and spend my days with my favorite people (my kids) who keep me on my toes. Can this be a burden sometimes? Absolutely! There are still meals, the house to clean, schooling to sort out, and at the same time trying to stay united with my husband. We both carry different burdens, but our goal is to be what the scriptures call one flesh, completely united. And I believe the closer we come to that goal, the less room for either of us to feel less-than or suppressed. Our previous prophet’s wife Margerie Hinckley once said of her husband, “he’s always given me wings to fly, and I love him for it.” I feel the same way about Aaron, and I certainly hope he feels the same way about me. A fulfilling marriage is the union of two people who help each other fly. One of the greatest ways Aaron has given me wings is supporting me in my desire and female endowment to bear children. I’ve come to know God more in the 5 years since having children than in all my years before. The True Source of Confidence Contrary to some people’s beliefs within and without the church, there is no one way to be a good woman. God created us differently by design. For too long, women (and many men) have been beating themselves up for not being good enough or not doing it “right”. When we have those feelings, we come upon a crossroads: do we turn to God or turn to other sources? I like to look at self-confidence as a first-hand experience. It’s awesome to hear other people talk about how much God loves you, but there is NOTHING so powerful as feeling it from your Heavenly Parents, directly. Jesus Christ is the only person in the world who knows EXACTLY what you’ve been through - he understands the why behind everything you think, feel, and do. And he’s right there with you. What better person to help you become comfortable in your own skin? When I was a girl, I had a lot of reason to not be confident. I was hyper-sensitive, chubby, teased at home and sometimes at school, and in many ways just wasn’t what the world said I should be. I remember one night, as a child, kneeling down next to my bed and asking “Are you there? Do you know who I am? And do you love me?” I wish I could put the feelings that ensued into the heart of every person who’s ever felt insecure. I was filled. Since that day, I’ve never struggled with a deep sense of self-worth. God knows me, and I matter to Him. So why care what anyone else thinks? This is the confidence God offers each of his children. And my experience looking for confidence from any other source reaches one conclusion: I’ll never be enough. But to God, I am enough. So you hate to cook? You can still be a good woman. So you work out of the home? You can still be a good woman. So you weren’t able to have children? You can still be a good woman. So you screw up a LOT? You can still be a good woman. So you’d rather gnaw your own arm off than sew a dress? I am still a good woman! (Oh, oops, talking to myself right there…) The point being: When we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards and inconsequential characteristics, we lose sight of who we are in God’s eyes. And let me tell you, you’re exquisite. You’re needed. You’re seen. You are good. And you are SO loved! I believe we do much better to focus on principles, not precedent. There is no one, right way to be a good woman, a good mother, a good wife, a good friend. We can be like Christ yet still look very different from one another. It was well said by CS Lewis. “When He [God] talks of their losing their selves, He means only abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever.” God doesn’t give us a map with every step outlined. I like to look at life as more of a Choose Your Own Adventure. God tells us to learn principles and then seek Him as we find ways to implement those principles. The Changes in the Temple Many people know there have been changes in the temple ceremonies over the years. The wording, the clothing, and even the gestures. Personally, I love this! A dear friend once asked me how I don’t see these changes as a change in doctrine and why they don’t rock my faith. I look at it like this: God’s work and his purpose for His children has never changed. It was the same with ancient Israel as it is today. He wants us to become like Him. And although his work and purpose hasn’t changed, I believe how He accomplishes that work does. He has enough power to adapt his work to every time and culture. This power is what gives efficacy to his invitation for every person everywhere to come unto him. So what of the changes in the temple? Well, God doesn’t change, but culture and society do, and language certainly does. Take this paragraph for instance: Ever wonder why “awesome” means excellent but “awful” means really bad when they both derive from “awe”? In Old English, awe meant “fear, terror or dread.” From its use in reference to God the word came to mean “reverential or respectful fear.” By the mid-1700s, awe came to mean solemn and reverential wonder, tinged with fear, inspired by the sublime in nature—such as thunder or a storm at sea. Originally, awful and awesome were synonymous, but by the early 19th century, awful absorbed the negative aspects of the emotion and the word was used to mean frightful or exceedingly bad. The earliest citation in the Oxford English Dictionary for awesome meaning “marvelous, great; stunning or mind-boggling” is from the Official Preppy Handbook, 1980 (mentalfloss.com). The word naughty used to mean poor. The word nice used to mean ignorant. Sly used to mean wise and skillful. Point being, language changes over time, over generations. So if Webster is allowed revisions, why not God for revisions to the language and ceremonies in the temple? I loved the old language in the temple, because I studied hard to understand what it meant at the time it was put in place. But now I love the new wording in the temple because it fits my time perfectly. The changes were made, so that we can best cut through to the purpose of the temple - to strengthen families and bring us to Christ. We Still Have Room to Grow One of the things I love about the church is that it’s ever changing, progressing, and growing, and we are encouraged to do the same as its members. I hope that in 5 years I look back on this article and appreciate where I was at the time and my perspective, but that I’ve learned even more to bring me closer to God and more able to serve His children. We still have room to grow, and I think that’s thrilling! Here are some ways I think we could grow. We Are the Only Ones Limiting Ourselves Just because there is organization in the church does not mean there are limitations on service. We sometimes take a pass on service either because we weren’t ordained to the priesthood or because we were ordained, and we think that’s where it ends. God doesn’t just want us to check the boxes. He wants our hearts. There are absolutely NO limitations on how much any member of the church (or person in general) can serve. All we need to do is open our eyes to the needs around us and find ways to participate. Sometimes I think in the church we focus too much on what other people’s jobs are instead of discovering and fulfilling our own personal life mission. We decide how willing we are to serve God, know Him, and cling to Him. For Men and Women Alike One - We can’t expect “the church” to do it perfectly. Nor can we expect members of the church to replace our personal and parental influence. No matter what organization, group, activity, or experience, no other person will know the intricate ins and outs of your needs and your children’s needs like you do. We can’t expect that everyone we interact with, whether in the church or not, will influence us and our family in the ways we want. Same goes for friends, media, school, etc. So, as members of the church, we have to allow room for our brothers and sisters in the church to be wrong from time to time. Sometimes that person might even be us, or maybe even a church leader. Develop a strong relationship with your Heavenly Father, so when those times arise, you can lean on true principles and sift through your interactions with others. I have listened to many talks in church, advice from members, and even seen cultural habits that are just plain wrong to me. Staying involved and speaking up, with an open heart to other’s experiences, helps us move forward and leave harmful tendencies, habits, and perspectives behind. Two - Speak up about your burdens of inequality, clinging to God. No person should ever feel ashamed or unsafe to admit they’ve been hurt. We can’t heal until we recognize the hurt. My prayer is that we can come closer to God through that healing process. And in less-severe cases, our offender may not even know they’ve misstepped or hurt us. Oftentimes, people have a different perspective from different experiences, so what hurts you might not hurt them, hence the misunderstandings. There have been a couple of occasions in my church service when I have been treated shovanistically. But each time, when I have spoken up, expected respect, and been open to understanding, my offenders have been very apologetic and changed their behavior. Sometimes people just don't realize. Just as we don’t when we might offend. Three - Don’t judge those who have left the church for experiences of inequality or abuse. I believe each of us is seeking our own truths, and our paths might diverge for a time. But our love and compassion for one another need never diverge. And conversely, don’t judge the women who stay closely connected with the church. Just because we see things differently does not mean that one of us is weak, hard-hearted, willfully ignorant, or faithless. All we need from one another is respect and compassion, not judgement. Especially To Women Women have a place as Proactive, Informed, and Confident participants in God’s work. They have so many amazing gifts and can have such a positive impact on the world when they step up and get involved. This might mean abandoning comfortable habits of passivity or deferment to “the man of the house”. On the other hand, it might mean abandoning dogma of feminine moral superiority, to better respect the men in our lives. It might mean quieting the voices of the world that tell us who and how to be and tuning in to God. It might mean giving up things of a lesser and digging deep. Really, it will take each of us breaking down any walls between us and the love God so desperately wants us to feel. And that will feel AMAZING! I believe God wants men and women both in the thick of it, hand in hand. Especially To Men Many men need to have a paradigm shift. They need to embrace their wives as equal participants in EVERYTHING. Listen more, seek to understand her, and learn what she needs to feel cherished. If ordained to the priesthood, remember that call is first and foremost to benefit your family, with God’s help. Your ordination should increase your willingness to serve, humility, desire to come closer to God, and charity for your family as well as others. God Loves Women For every woman (and man for that matter) who has ever felt demeaned, less-than, suppressed, or unimportant, God wants you to experience healing. If each of us could spend a moment watching our Heavenly Father and Mother together, I think it would shatter years of dogma and shadows that have put men and women on different playing fields. I don’t know it all, but I know that Heavenly Father and Mother love each of us more than we know. In a world of shadows, questions, and smoke and mirrors, I find so much peace and empowerment through the Church of Jesus Christ and the gospel. As a woman, I have access to all of the blessings God has to offer his children. I am able to embrace the fulfillment of motherhood, without shame. I can get an education (and am encouraged to) and develop my talents, intellect, and character in ways that will bless me and the world for generations to come. And I can feel complete confidence in who I am, right here, right now, while also moving forward. May the world be better for each of our influence!
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