When I started struggling with depression I wondered if I would ever feel better again. Aaron would call midday to see how my day was going and when I'd start to cry he would often say something like, "Did you get a good workout in?" or "Did you get out of the house?" or "Did you drink enough water/get enough sleep/eat enough, etc.?" It was extremely frustrating because the answer was always "yes". I was doing everything I had always done that made me happy--exercise, eat healthy, socialize--and yet nothing was making me happy. I started to feel like I would never get better, and when one thing would go wrong it seemed to bleed into every other area of my life. The kids would splash water all over the bathroom floor, and the whole morning was a disaster. I wouldn't start dinner in the crock pot on time, and the whole day was ruined. I was stuck in a rut where every mishap was pervasive and every negative emotion felt permanent.
Since I've gotten a lot better I still struggle with those two Ps: Pervasiveness and Permanence (anyone who has read Option B by Sheryl Sandberg is familiar with these), but my awareness of them has helped me to not be encumbered by them because I have learned to change my perspective. You all know that feeling when you start off the day running behind because your alarm didn't go off, so you're racing to get ready, then you stub your toe, then you're running out the door and you can't find your keys...(Yeah, you know what I'm talking about). You're finally on your way to work, and you're thinking "great, today is going to suck!" (But, wait a second, you've only been awake for 30 minutes so how can that 30 minutes determine the next 15 1/2 hours of your day? This is pervasiveness.) And then you start to think, "I always do this! I'm never going to be good at being punctual! I can't ever get my crap together!" (This is permanence.) Here's another example (my mom heard this story in a Gottman seminar and I loved it so you're welcome!) : You get up in the morning and you roll over and see your significant other lying in bed with their back next to you. Your first thought is "hm...when did he start putting on that extra weight? I cook healthy so he must be eating out for lunch again at work. (insert eye roll)" Then you get up, walk around the bed where you stumble on his dirty clothes and you think, "Gosh, we've been together for 10 years and he still can't figure out where the laundry hamper is? REALLY?" Then you go into the bathroom to brush your teeth and his razor and whiskers are all over the sink and you think, "ugh...great! Now I get to clean out the sink too! He ALWAYS does this!" Do you see how easily permanence and pervasiveness creep in? Let's look at the same situation, but from a different perspective: You get up in the morning and you roll over and see your significant other lying in bed with their back next to you. Your first thought is, "hm...when did he start putting on extra weight? It's probably because he's been working such long hours and doesn't have time to go to the gym anymore. Gosh, I am so lucky to be married to someone who works so hard for our family!" Then you get up, walk around the bed where you stumble on his dirty clothes and you think (while you smile and shake your head, "some things never change. Oh well. I'm glad he at least leaves his clothes right-side out." As you look back over at him you realize that he is cradling your toddler who must have gotten up in the middle of the night. You didn't even hear them come in because he took care of it so you could sleep. Then you go into the bathroom to brush your teeth and his razor and whiskers are all over the sink and you probably don't even notice them because you just opened the drawer to grab your toothbrush and caught a whiff of his cologne and you think, "I love him so much!" Now these two scenarios were the exact same, but had such a different ending because of the perspective. What made these two different? GRATITUDE! Gratitude changes EVERYTHING!!! Truly, by simply looking at the bright-side your entire world can change. Joanna Gaines says that, "The trick is practicing a kind of thankfulness that isn’t based on time or place or circumstance. Even in the trials of life, if we have eyes to see them, we can find good things everywhere we look." I'm still very afraid that my depression will come back. It's actually one of my greatest fears. When I start to feel depressed, or even just off, my immediate thought is, "Oh no! It's going to come back, and I'm going to be miserable forever!" Especially if I've had several days in a row where I've struggled. Each challenge can become more and more pervasive, and then the illusion of permanence starts to creep in. But I am learning everyday to change my perspective, and to focus on the good things and show thankfulness and gratitude. When I look back on the most difficult depressing days I can see so many silver linings. My husband stood by me, the kids were sleeping through the night, I had a job, we had good friends who often helped with the kids, we had family close by, we had insurance that covered Finn's medical issues, etc. I could go on and on. Nobody gets off scot-free. Everyone has stuff they have to deal with. (And trust me, nothing is permanent!) But we can always find good if we have eyes to see it. -Sam Comment below with some of the things that you're thankful for!
4 Comments
Tamara
8/16/2017 12:29:34 pm
Thank you for reminding me to have GRATITUDE, especially when circumstances are less than ideal. I needed this read today. 🌺
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Aunt Conc
8/18/2017 01:05:52 pm
I'm thankful for you! xo
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Dad
9/2/2017 09:57:27 pm
I'm grateful for my daughters who are real, human, talented and (next to my sweet wife) are some of the most wonderful women in my life. Thanks for the thoughts and wisdom. You are an inspiration to me.
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Spread the Good
9/3/2017 10:22:37 am
Thanks dad! We love you and mom so much and are so grateful for your examples of trying to lift other people amidst your own crazy goodness.
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who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
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