I would wager near every woman knows what it feels like to be sexualized, at no fault of her own.I recently had a conversation with a dear friend where I was asked the question if I've ever felt discriminated against as a woman. We discussed it briefly covering the usual topics of sexism and inequality that exist in our society and the world at large; however, what we didn't discuss is what I feel to probably be the most wide spread form of discrimination and sexism that women experience - sexualization and objectification. Just 2 days after this conversation took place I was at the store looking for some Christmas decorations. I was wearing black pants, a sweater (that covered my bottom), and ankle boots - point being, I wasn't flaunting my body nor wearing anything to draw attention. A man walked past me and glanced me up and down. I ignored it and went on scanning the shelf. But then when he walked past me he turned around and looked me up and down again. This time we made eye contact and he looked away. He then went further down the isle and stopped, turned around again, and consciously and conspicuously sexually gazed at me for the last time. At this point I was furious and turned directly toward him, looked him in the eye and forcefully said "YES!?" Finally he averted his eyes and his attention. Sadly, this wasn't an isolated incident. As I've pondered over this and other similar experiences I've had the thought "I bet hardly any men have ever had to experience that from a woman". Aaron has never once felt or seen someone sexualize him. I'm certain, however, that most women can relate to this experience and have even experienced worse. A woman can feel the difference between an admiring gaze or complimentary smile and when she's being viewed and treated like nothing but a physical body - no personality, spirit, and other things that create a human being - just an object or tool. And so in efforts to encourage social change, this is the topic I want to discuss today. "Time Magazine" recently announced their "Person of the Year" as the women behind the movement against sexual harassment. In my opinion, there has never been an "easy" time to be a woman, but what a wonderful time to be a woman right now! We live in a time when yes the pornography industry is growing and human trafficking hasn't stopped, but also where for one of the first times in history, women can have a louder voice. This isn't to say that we've arrived by any means but rather, it inspires me to see the strides that both men and women are trying to take to ensure protection for every person, regardless of sex. This particular movement inspires me because of the courage it takes to stand - you risk threatening your own position to provide others with the opportunities you want. And so we all have to do at times in our life when we sincerely believe there is a cause greater than our own self-interest and comfort. Another movement that I support whole-heartedly is the "mutual consent" movement. This movement essentially supports the adoption of a new social norm, that all physical touch needs mutual consent. We aren't just talking about sex but also kissing, holding, and any other physical touch. One facet of our society that I want to specifically highlight as needing improvement is our media, which for generations has undermined this idea of "mutual consent". Media has socialized us with the idea that "romantic" is also controlling. Recently movies have screened pushing this as far as even the sexual arena, supporting ideas that sexual control, unwanted solicitations and even abuse are somehow "romantic" if put in the correct light. I would STRONGLY urge each person to consciously and critically analyze the media they consume. In countries where freedom and opportunity are restricted one of the first things governments seek to control is media and the press. Why is this? The reason is of course because of the extremely powerful influence on socialization that both media and the press bear. The fact is, when you are watching, listening to, seeing, or reading any sort of media, you are being socialized. Each avenue is selling a product and each product communicates to you what is normal, acceptable, desirable, and so on. Yet even before the bedroom, media undermines mutual consent in other ways. I can't count how many movies I've seen where the emotional climax occurs right after the couple on screen has an argument and then the man pulls the woman into him, and they kiss - and this is romance? Or scenes where a man surprisingly kisses a woman and she pushes to get away but then succumbs to his "charms" and leaves you with the impression that consent isn't important and coercion is necessary because this is what the woman really wanted anyways but in her "feminine emotion" couldn't decipher her own feelings - so naturally the man needed to decide for her. Right now you might be picturing a whole lot of black and white movies, but believe me, this happens in media just as much today. Be critically awake while you're watching, and I guarantee you will be surprised of what messages are coming through your media - and many degrade both men and women portraying unhealthy or coercive relationships as normal, exciting, or romantic. Love and respect are inseparable, but respect and control are incompatible. So what can you do? First, be critical of what you're consuming. Then find where you stand. In our society, what doesn't make money just doesn't last - plain and simple. Fight where you need to and support where you can. It's up to you to figure out what and how. There is no doubt that the pornography industry hugely influences societal and personal ways of looking at women. The industry has both driven and supported an inseparable link between femininity and sexuality - as if they are one and the same. Hence teenage girls' bedroom eyes in facebook pictures, clothes that are neither economical nor comfortable, and womens body's being squeezed, poked, and prodded into unnatural shapes and forms. Our society screams - To Be Feminine Is To Be Sexy! We all know what a "beautiful woman" is in our world - not her soul, her personality, her goals and ambitions, her moral courage - it is silky hair, clear skin, bedroom eyes, full lips, large firm breasts, a narrow waist, prominent hips, long slender legs, and painted toenails. Has anyone else noticed that what our sexualized society deems beautiful is also unnatural? In CS Lewis' time he saw a similar problem yet with a different form. He spoke against the image of beauty that convinced women they needed to be so thin and long that all in all their figure was hardly distinguishable from that of a teenage boy. Different form - same message. And that message is that to be beautiful and feminine is to fit a mold. Don't fall prey to these messages! And don't support industries, advertisements, or products that push it. So what is the role of a good man in honoring women and femininity? In many ways, the voice of a man is still more powerful than the voice of a women, so men speak up! When it comes to protecting women from sexual harassment and preserving their self-worth, to stay silent is to condone. Unfortunately, the "Good ol' boy" mentality still thrives. Our world embraces the notion that "boys will be boys", and in it not only harms women but also brings down men as well. There is no doubt that it is generally expected for men to be highly sexual, necessarily controlling, and innately competitive. Says who? Says near everything in our society! Women are not the only sex that have a mold to fit. Men, though usually the perpetrator in instances of sexual harassment and objectification, are likewise socialized. Isn't the idea of the "gentleman's club" ironic. It's a place where women are objectified and put on a sexual performance where men can enjoy it with "the boys" all under the comforting pretense which refers to them as "gentlemen". There couldn't be anything further from a gentleman. So you wonderful men who are trying to help protect the women in the world - don't participate. When you hear a co-worker, friend, or even family member demeaning women in any way, whether it be through humor, a story, or bragging about their own experiences, make it clear you're not impressed. Let's take down the social expectation that life is different "with the boys". Because let's be honest, it's time to leave the boys behind and be a man. Hold the door. Take off a your hat. Stand until she's seated. Show every woman that she deserves to be respected. In my experience, the most powerful thing in helping a girl become a confident and self-respecting women is a good man. And the most powerful thing in helping a boy become a confident and self-respecting man is a good woman. We need one another. We ALL need each other!
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who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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