I'm sure that this won't surprise any of you, but I love a challenge. I love to push myself and to feel like I've learned and grown. What may surprise you is some of the things that I'm afraid of. Here's a short list: -Heights -Riding a Bike -Car accidents -Cancer -Being in small spaces I know, some of these things are totally irrational, and make very little sense. But, they're still real to me. Over time I've tried to overcome some of my fears. I guess I feel like they aren't doing me any good, so why carry around more baggage. Aaron bought me a bike a couple of years ago, and although I feel really uncomfortable riding it (especially when there are cars around) I force myself to do it because I know eventually I won't be afraid. It requires a lot of self-talk, I get sweaty palms, and I'm somewhat miserable through a large percentage of the time, but it's worth it to me to continue to try because I see that it can be fun. A couple of weeks ago Aaron and I went on a date, and I thought it would be fun to go rock climbing. I hadn't been since I was a junior in high school, and figured I could probably do pretty well at it since my upper body is in decent shape. We got there, signed our waivers, got our shoes, did the "training" and we were off. I started ascending the first wall. I was shocked at how quickly I was going and how easy it was when I reached a part of the wall that jutted out changing the angle. Suddenly I was paralyzed. I couldn't think clearly about where to place me feet and hands, I began to sweat, and breathe far too quickly. Once I realized I was probably going to hyperventilate I started the self-talk. "Stop! You're safe. Even if you fall, the rope will catch you. Take deeper breaths. You're not going to get hurt." I was able to talk myself down enough that I wasn't going to have a panic attack, but I also wasn't going to be able to ascend any higher so I came down. I was shaking, and I was frustrated. I took some deep breaths, and tried again. This time I was more methodical hoping that if I took a different route I could more easily scale that difficult part of the wall. I got up to the same spot and froze. "Why is this so hard?!" I wondered. "I can't do it" was replaying in my mind. All the while Aaron is below coaching me on where to put my hands and feet. I decided to come down again. "What is wrong with me?!" I thought. This isn't fun at all! I stared at that wall for quite a while, and thought, "this is hard because I'm allowing it to be hard. My body is capable. I just need to believe it." I ascended the wall, got to the dreaded spot, took a deep breath and said, "You have conquered way harder things than this physically, mentally, and emotionally. Now kick this walls a**!" And so I did! When I made it to the top I was so proud, and Aaron was beaming! The rest of the time was so much fun! We tried different routes on different walls, had races, and had a great time. The best part was the sense of accomplishment that I felt for staring my fear in the face and telling it to take a hike.
When I was a new mother I used to worry so much about things that were out of my control. Or I'd worry that every decision I made would have a terrible consequence. "If I wake her up to feed her maybe it'll make her a terrible sleeper!" Or "If I don't waker her up to feed her maybe she'll sleep so long that she'll be terrible eater!" When we give into fear we are placating a hypothetical situation in an alternate reality. We don't actually know what the consequences of our actions are going to be, and stewing about them rather than making a confident decision simply reinforces that.
The only reason I was able to ascend that wall was because I remembered what I was capable of. I thought of the difficult things I had overcome that were much more intimidating than a rock-climbing gym. Once I BELIEVED I could do it, I saw myself doing it, and then I was able to do it! I've had a lot of people say things to me like, "You're so good at x, y, or z. It comes so easy to you." The truth is, some things don't come that easily to me. In fact, most things don't. But I believe that I can do hard things so I choose not to allow fear to cripple me. Does being a parent scare me? Absolutely! Does moving to a new place and finding new friends every 2-3 years scare me? Yep! Does joining a Polynesian dance group and learning new songs to perform scare me? Definitely! But I want my life to be full and exciting, not empty and safe. So, the next time you're afraid, or you feel inadequate or incapable look fear in the face and tell it to "step off". Remember the amazing things you've done, the things that you've accomplished, and the successes you've had. And then, BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT!
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who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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