From Sam... Sometimes my dog will go outside and race back and forth across the yard. He isn’t chasing anything. He just runs and runs and runs. And then he comes to the back door, taps the glass with his paw, we let him in, he gets a drink, and then lays on the living room floor. I’ve observed this a lot over the past year he’s been a member of our family, and have been amazed at how he knows what his body needs. He feels a burst of energy, or the need for exercise, and he runs around and lets it out. Have you ever noticed that in the winter you crave heavier, comfort food, and you feel sleepier earlier in the day? Have you ever noticed that in the summer time you feel more vibrant and active, but then mid afternoon (during the hottest part of the day) you feel sleepy like you could use a siesta? Did it ever occur to you that like other mammals in the animal kingdom, these aren’t just urges but biological needs? If you look at other mammals, many spend the fall eating more nutrient-dense foods so that they can put on brown fat which will help insulate them in winter when food is scarce. Many animals hibernate, so this brown fat is essential for survival. During the warmer season, animals usually rest in shade, in burrows, or caves because the sun makes it too difficult for them to be active or to hunt without becoming dehydrated. Animals do not ignore their instincts because their instincts protect them. Honoring their instincts is essential for survival. If you look at history and think about the evolution of the human body, humans have honored these urges—especially in less developed countries. In central and south America people siesta. In fact, when I stayed with friends in Brazil, their father came home from work and children and adults came home from school for lunch daily. We ate a large lunch which usually lasted about 1-2 hours, and then we relaxed until it was time to return to work, school, or university. When I was in college I took a culture and gender psychology class. The professor had done extensive research with indigenous peoples living out in the bush in Africa. They didn’t have any clocks so they went to bed when they were tired, and woke when they were rested. They didn’t have a desk to be in a 8am, so they ate when they were hungry, and stopped eating when they were full. In good weather, people would sit outside and children would play outside. During the cold and hottest months, people conserved energy by staying inside. They listened to their bodies! When did we become so obsessed with productivity that we forgot to listen to our most primal instincts? Who benefits from the rat-race that we find ourselves in day after day? And when did we adopt the belief that productivity equals goodness? And worse, when did we internalize that self-care equals laziness? For a very long time, I have been a list-maker. I love the feeling of checking things off that list. To end the day and have every item checked off feels like heaven. The more things I check off, the more “good” I am. The more elaborate my list, the greater challenge, the greater personal reward. What started as a way to stay organized became the measuring stick for how much value I had as a person. Then, I had my second child.
I was in the throws of postpartum depression, I had a toddler, I was teaching University courses part time, and my husband was in his second year of medical school. The more days that went by without that list being completed the more depressed I felt. The more depressed I felt, the less productive I was. And the less productive I was, the less value I felt I had in this world. And so the depression cycle continued… I have a dear friend who recently posted on social media a picture of a “to-do” list her son had written. When she asked him what the first item was he replied, “write to-do list”. It made me laugh, and it brought me back to the memory of my lists. Over time, as I went to counseling, my lists changed a lot. My deep-seeded belief that my value was somehow tied up in what I can accomplish still existed so I had to create a way to have both. I began writing things on my list like, “take a shower”, “exercise”, “read to my kids”, “eat”, “love them”, etc. Sometimes, if I wanted to take a nap while my kids slept, I’d even add that to the list just so I could cross it off afterward. Now, I rarely make lists because I have learned that my value isn’t equal to what I can accomplish. I have also learned to listen to my body more. Sometimes it’s very easy to fall back into my old ways. I may get up and go into the kitchen for a snack, see ten things that need to be picked up, and before I know it I’ve been cleaning for 40 minutes, and am still hungry for that snack. I have had to develop a certain degree of tunnel vision in order to avoid this. I intentionally focus only on what I got up to do. My therapist calls it mindfulness, which sounds nice. But whether it’s mindfulness, tunnel vision, or something else altogether, I have found that hyper focusing on my needs helps me to listen to what I need rather than what I think I should do. Dave Hollis posted this on his FB today, and I felt that it went perfectly with my thought this morning. “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink from the water that gets in them. Fortify your defenses: -Set and keep boundaries. -Audit what you consume. -Search for gratitude and hope. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside and take you under.” I don’t have difficulty setting boundaries with others. I have had to learn how to set and keep boundaries with myself. When that inner judge creeps in and tells me mistruths, I have to shut it down. If my body is telling me something, I listen. If I look around and feel overwhelmed, I try to think about what I have and how blessed I am. When I begin to compare myself to others, I take Facebook and Instagram off my phone for a bit. Self care isn’t something for weak people. It’s how we keep water out of our ship. We cannot do for others if we ourselves are drowning. Take care of yourselves. Remember that you are loved. Ignore the judge inside of your head. Spread the good!
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who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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