From Sam... When I was pregnant with Charlotte in 2012 I was determined that I was going to be the perfect mom! When she was born I had difficulty bonding with her, but I made up for it in other ways. I breast-fed until she was 6 months old, fed her homemade baby food (because I wanted to insure she was eating the most nutritious veggies), and by the time she was a year she was drinking a green smoothie every morning, was gifted talker, and had never had a taste of sugar or fast food. On her first birthday I prided myself when instead of relishing the cupcake, she gagged and spit it out. Fast forward two years later, I had Finn. When he came out my heart felt like it was bursting, and I was instantly bonded to him. The honeymoon ended, however, when I wasn't able to breast feed due to his inability to digest my milk, and between tri-weekly doctor appointments I wasn't able to get it together enough to stay as strict and regimented about little things that had been so important to me. I was in survival mode and had to decided what was worth spending energy on and what wasn't. As I look back I on the past 5.5 years of parenthood it makes me laugh to see how differently I parented my two children. Truly, Charlotte's first 2 years were 180* from Finn's. And ironically, as I have learned more, forgiven myself, and made changes, how I interact with both of them now is very different than how I did a year ago. A few months ago I was talking to a friend about discipline. I told her that since Aaron and I were both spanked and we turned out decent sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to do the same with my kids. She very kindly said, "You know, my dad was beaten as a kid, and he did way better with us than he was raised. He still spanked us, but he didn't beat us. And he did so much better than his parents did. Don't you want to do your best for your kids? I feel like I owe it to my kids to do my best for them." I thought it was really poignant because although she recognizes that her dad made mistakes she also accepts that he was doing his best. My best is going to look different than your best. And my best right now is different than my best 5 years ago. My favorite thing about having friends is seeing the things that they do well, and learning from them. Parenthood isn't a competition, a race, or a spectator sport. It's messy, it's arduous, it's difficult, and it's awesome! I'm past the point of believing anyone with young kids has it all together because I have never seen it (and trust me, I know some butt-kickin' parents!). We're all just doing our best and sometimes we're nailing it in one area, but getting nailed in another. Just remember, we're all in it this together! From Molly... As mothers we pray in the morning for help, pray for patience and vision multiple times during the day, and when the night comes we pray that our precious ones will thrive in spite of us. When Stella was about 6 months old, I had an epiphany about my own mom. More times than not we have extremely high expectations of our parents - which i'm sure is why we get frustrated with each other. As I was thinking about my long list of expectations of my own mother, I realized this: my mom is a wonderful mother, not because she was perfect (and she will be the first to tell you that), but because she gave 100% of what she could - that is a wonderful mother! We all wish we could do and be more than we are, but every person has limited resources and abilities. But don't let your limitations ruin your love of motherhood! Just give 100% of what you can, and in my experience, accepting that is essential to enjoying motherhood! Of course we should try to improve, but take small steps and be patient with yourself. For me, I don't want my girls to ever think I was perfect, but I do what them to know I gave 100% because if they do then they will always know they were loved - and that's what we really want!
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There will always be someone who is, does, or looks more than you.Welcome to the club of the average!
Ahhh sad, but in life not everyone gets a medal....unless you're a millennial, but that won't last forever ;) In all seriousness, in so many ways we praise diversity and respect personal values but hit a snag when it comes to determining our values, and the void lends itself to comparison. I can vouch for the fact that the more at peace you feel with your own direction, the more you can respect other paths. But how do we develop personal conviction? First, let go of wanting to be "more" than other people. Rejoice in others' success and sympathize in their struggle. Remind yourself that everyone is trying, and cheer them along their way. But on the flip side, don't fool yourself into thinking that anyone has it all figured out. We're all just tryyyying to figure things out! Probably because there's hardly ever one right answer :) Each one of us stands somewhere different in our individual search for happiness. Second, understand that everyone feels "less" at times. In sociology, this is called the "Impostor Syndrome". Every person at one point or another feels like an impostor, feels like everyone else has it figured out and that he or she is faking it, and somehow everyone is going to find out. We've all felt this in moments that we try to "prove" ourselves. But no one is an impostor. We're each a beautiful mess. Lastly, discover the source of your conviction - root your goals in something that lasts, something non-contingent on other people. Instead of filling your time, decide what is most important to you in life, put those things first, and then your time will be full, no matter how much you "achieve" or do. Everyone needs to pick and choose since no one is capable of doing or being it all. (And plus, we don't believe that anymore anyway, right? ;)) For me, I try to think, after all is said and done at the end of my life, what will I think mattered? Those are the things I try to put first. Understand that each person's conviction will manifest itself differently. How my convictions play out tends to metamorphosize with added experience. Prioritizing my marriage looked very different before two children and other life events. Prioritizing family looks different when I live 30 minutes away than when I live a flight away. My health priority looks different when we live right next to a gym than when we're on vacation, and that's okay. Respect your own experiences and how they shape your perceptions and actions but allow other people the same space. I wrote you a poem...you're welcome :) A seed was sown in stony ground far from water and soil, but grew so steady, full of life, strengthened through heat and toil. It did not know that it should not grow, it was completely unaware, But rejoice for it grew! And simply because it never did know to compare. From Molly... It's a new year, what a thrill! But as with anything new, eventually the "newness" wears off and what was once exciting is now overwhelming - hence the new years restitution's not resolutions. I'd like to pose a different type of resolution - resolving to accept yourself. This isn't to say stop trying to improve but rather realizing and embracing the good in you. Instead of making a list of routines to start, habits to change, features to switch, make a list of how you can use your "flaws" for good. For me, I can be a controlling person - micromanaging comes very natural. I've always been a planner and have been told on countless occasions that I need to relax or that I take things too seriously. So I tried for a few years to change this part of myself. The new year rung in with a Bob Marley song singing "Don't worry about a thing, every little thing, is gonna be alright!" The result? Well everything isn't always alright, so half of the time I was relaxed and fighting my natural inclinations and the other half I was lashing out because I resented it...lame? Yes. I'd say "i'm going to relax and not clean the house so that I can play with the kids and be a 'fun' mom". Then the next day I would wake up overwhelmed at the pile of dishes and laundry and that the girls needed attention yet again. So then I tried something new, instead of looking at all of the negatives about liking to keep things organized and planned, I looked at how I could use those tendencies for good. The result has been AMAZING for me! My life in general is pretty planned. I use an alarm clock, stay on a cleaning schedule (including scheduling play time with my kids - leaving a couple hour chunk in the day just for them), and always do certain things at the same time: grocery shopping, meal prep, attending the temple, etc. Some people would say this is high strung, but what I've found is that embracing this structured part of myself has allowed me to relax in other important ways and helped me to look to the future with hope and excitement. I have faith in myself to make it through anything because when I can handle the day to day then I know the years to years will come naturally. I can live more fully in the moment because i'm not torn between what I think I should be and what I actually am. The girls get a happier mom, and I get a lot more done. When I kiss Aaron, I enjoy it since my time to do the other necessities is past. And we kiss a lot :) We like that. This is just one example, but it applies to so many traits! Are you impatient? How can you that drive to get things done for good? Fly by the seat of your pants? Find a worthy cause that demands spontaneity. Love to spend time on social media? Decide a way to lift other people through that hobby. Could you bake (and eat) til the cows come home? Find a way to bless other people. Do you struggle with an addiction? Find other people with the same struggle, be open, and lift one another out of your challenges. No one is useless - even as you try to change yourself, just involving other people in the journey can be a strength to both sides. Are you a night owl? Consider all of the constructive things that need to be done when your side of the world sleeps but the other is awake. Look at your list of "resolutions" and change it to a list of restitution's, how can you use each one of those "flaws" for good. And if you can't think of any way to use it for good, i'd say you're safe to try and change it ;) Happy New Year and may your year be filled with hope, peace, and gratitude! From Emma... Restitution: the act of making up for damages or harm. ... The noun restitution means both "restoring something to its original state" and "returning something to its rightful owner." It would be nigh to impossible for me to mention the New Year without giving credit to the man upstairs who has given me everything I have. He is the goodness in the world and in me. In all the craziness it is easy to become distracted from those things that bring us joy and fulfillment. We focus on doing instead of being, goal setting instead of becoming. This year I'm turning a new leaf. Rather than focus on resolutions that may or may not last through January, I'm focusing on "restoring something to its original state," as restitution's definition suggests. That something is me. As a child of God, I am good at my core. I want to restore those bits of me that keep me focused on the things that matter. I want to value people more than my to-do list. I want to give more back to the body that has brought me thus far through this wonderful journey of life. I want to be...me, accepting that I am enough and that my efforts in seeing the color in the world will open my eyes even greater to the good that is consistently around us. Maybe if I look hard enough, I may just see my own color seeping into the canvas that is the lives of others around me. I don't want to make a goal for the year. I want to make restitution my life so when all is said and done, I can return to my rightful owner who has given me everything living has to offer. I'm sure that this won't surprise any of you, but I love a challenge. I love to push myself and to feel like I've learned and grown. What may surprise you is some of the things that I'm afraid of. Here's a short list: -Heights -Riding a Bike -Car accidents -Cancer -Being in small spaces I know, some of these things are totally irrational, and make very little sense. But, they're still real to me. Over time I've tried to overcome some of my fears. I guess I feel like they aren't doing me any good, so why carry around more baggage. Aaron bought me a bike a couple of years ago, and although I feel really uncomfortable riding it (especially when there are cars around) I force myself to do it because I know eventually I won't be afraid. It requires a lot of self-talk, I get sweaty palms, and I'm somewhat miserable through a large percentage of the time, but it's worth it to me to continue to try because I see that it can be fun. A couple of weeks ago Aaron and I went on a date, and I thought it would be fun to go rock climbing. I hadn't been since I was a junior in high school, and figured I could probably do pretty well at it since my upper body is in decent shape. We got there, signed our waivers, got our shoes, did the "training" and we were off. I started ascending the first wall. I was shocked at how quickly I was going and how easy it was when I reached a part of the wall that jutted out changing the angle. Suddenly I was paralyzed. I couldn't think clearly about where to place me feet and hands, I began to sweat, and breathe far too quickly. Once I realized I was probably going to hyperventilate I started the self-talk. "Stop! You're safe. Even if you fall, the rope will catch you. Take deeper breaths. You're not going to get hurt." I was able to talk myself down enough that I wasn't going to have a panic attack, but I also wasn't going to be able to ascend any higher so I came down. I was shaking, and I was frustrated. I took some deep breaths, and tried again. This time I was more methodical hoping that if I took a different route I could more easily scale that difficult part of the wall. I got up to the same spot and froze. "Why is this so hard?!" I wondered. "I can't do it" was replaying in my mind. All the while Aaron is below coaching me on where to put my hands and feet. I decided to come down again. "What is wrong with me?!" I thought. This isn't fun at all! I stared at that wall for quite a while, and thought, "this is hard because I'm allowing it to be hard. My body is capable. I just need to believe it." I ascended the wall, got to the dreaded spot, took a deep breath and said, "You have conquered way harder things than this physically, mentally, and emotionally. Now kick this walls a**!" And so I did! When I made it to the top I was so proud, and Aaron was beaming! The rest of the time was so much fun! We tried different routes on different walls, had races, and had a great time. The best part was the sense of accomplishment that I felt for staring my fear in the face and telling it to take a hike.
When I was a new mother I used to worry so much about things that were out of my control. Or I'd worry that every decision I made would have a terrible consequence. "If I wake her up to feed her maybe it'll make her a terrible sleeper!" Or "If I don't waker her up to feed her maybe she'll sleep so long that she'll be terrible eater!" When we give into fear we are placating a hypothetical situation in an alternate reality. We don't actually know what the consequences of our actions are going to be, and stewing about them rather than making a confident decision simply reinforces that.
The only reason I was able to ascend that wall was because I remembered what I was capable of. I thought of the difficult things I had overcome that were much more intimidating than a rock-climbing gym. Once I BELIEVED I could do it, I saw myself doing it, and then I was able to do it! I've had a lot of people say things to me like, "You're so good at x, y, or z. It comes so easy to you." The truth is, some things don't come that easily to me. In fact, most things don't. But I believe that I can do hard things so I choose not to allow fear to cripple me. Does being a parent scare me? Absolutely! Does moving to a new place and finding new friends every 2-3 years scare me? Yep! Does joining a Polynesian dance group and learning new songs to perform scare me? Definitely! But I want my life to be full and exciting, not empty and safe. So, the next time you're afraid, or you feel inadequate or incapable look fear in the face and tell it to "step off". Remember the amazing things you've done, the things that you've accomplished, and the successes you've had. And then, BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT! From Molly... When we remove "Christ" from this beautiful Holiday, we are left with only "mas" or "more". Without Christ there is never enough, never enough presents, twinkling lights, snow covered lawns, or delicious desserts. At the end of the day, your pocketbook is smaller, but the gap between you and fulfillment is even greater. The meaning of Christmas lives inside of charity for one another. We give gifts at Christmas not only to commemorate the 3 gifts of the wise men but also to remember the greatest gift ever given - from our Heavenly Father to us - Jesus Christ, the one who can right every wrong. Through the wonderful and unimaginable experience of the atonement, He is the perfect bearer of empathy, and so with His eyes, we can see one another more clearly. To know Christ is to love others. To truly celebrate Chrsitmas is to lift the hands that hang down, to free the captive, to love the lonely, and to feed the beggar. After all "...are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have... And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a remission of your sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his Spirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with joy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy. And now, if God, who has created you...doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance... one to another. (Mosiah 4:19-21) "And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” - Dr Seuss How The Grinch Stole Christmas From Sam...
I was talking to a friend yesterday about how magical Christmas is when you're a child, and how once you get a little older, stop believing in Santa, and the element of surprise on Christmas morning dampens so does the magic of Christmas. Then you have your own children and the magic returns as you work to create that for them. This year, for the first time, we are spending Christmas alone as a family. (Yes, I'm 29 and I've never spent a Christmas away from my parents.) It was difficult for me at first, but I wanted to make it a magical season for myself and my kids, and I wanted the magic to go beyond Santa and the gifts. I've never been that enthusiastic about giving a lot of "things" to my kids. They are American. They have everything they could possibly need, and most of what they want so I'm morally opposed to arbitrary gift-giving. We generally do an experience from Aaron and I, and then Santa provides a stocking and the accessories to accompany the gift. For example, one year we got Charlotte swimming lessons so Santa brought her a bathing suit and a hooded towel. Another year we got her gymnastics classes and Santa brought her a gymnastics leotard. Working in Social work taught me the sadness that children feel when they see that the disparities in socio-economic status apply to Santa's gift-giving. I have never wanted my children to contribute to that feeling of misunderstanding and sadness to those whose parents can't afford the "big ticket items". This year it was very important that we focused a lot on the spirit of giving. Every time we've passed a Salvation Army bucket I've given the kids change to put in the bucket and explained how the money will help provide food and clothing for those in need. I took the kids and purchased gifts for children in foster care. We went to Barnes and Noble and I let them pick out books for children at the local children's hospital. And I've made arrangements for us to visit an assisted living home to visit the residents that are alone on Christmas. We've watched a lot of Christmas movies together, and have been reading Christmas books daily. The amount of snuggles, discussions about giving, talks about Jesus' birth and life, and seeing my children recognize the needs of others has been more magical than I could have asked for. Remembering the reason for the season and focusing on the ultimate gift of love and sacrifice is what fills our home and hearts with that magic. I hope that you feel it on this Christmas Morning. Merry Christmas! I recently heard a math teacher discuss a mathematical term called the radius.
She explained that in mathematics that word refers to the distance between the center of a point to the outside of a circle. She then correlated that word with her love for the word radiate because of the correlation. The root of both radius and radiate is: Radi(o): Spoke of a wheel, beam of light, ray. Each of us are constantly radiating and we have a radius of influence (those we come in to contact with, no matter the forum). We all have things in life that come up regularly that are challenging. Most often, they are unanticipated. If they occur that frequently though, it stands to reason we can expect difficult things to come. So why do we choose to label them "difficult things" instead of just "things?" The attitude we adopt influences our manner of being and in turn, what we radiate. When we instead choose to focus on the things in life we can be grateful for, it changes our perspective, in addition (see what I did there?) to what we radiate. If you don't see something right away, that's okay! It takes practice, but I promise it's there. Choose to be grateful. Choose to experience life. And let the energy you exude influence someone within your radius for good. All you need is already within you to get started. Be happy. Be you! |
who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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