From Sam... Since my sisters and I began this blog three years ago, my life has changed tremendously…Or, at least my perception of life has changed tremendously. I have changed. No, I didn’t one day wake up and decide to be vegan, or an activist for a cause, or a super-religious guru. My changes were far more subtle, but when I look back on who I was then and compare it with who I am now, I am in awe of what can occur when you give in to trusting yourself. Over the past three years I have separated from my spouse. I have gone to couples therapy. I have gone (and continue to go) to therapy on my own. I have dealt with loss. This summer alone, my husband’s grandma passed away, and I lost a beloved aunt who was a mentor to me. I helped my children navigate their beliefs and emotions around the loss; while also trying to navigate my own. I have dealt with the loss of dear friends that the Army felt compelled to PCS elsewhere. I have felt the anxiety of the pandemic. I have worked incessantly on being a “good mother”, curbing temper tantrums (sometimes theirs, sometimes my own), a possible learning disorder, teaching them how to be loving, kind, conscientious human-beings, and praying daily they don’t grow up to be entitled ass-holes. I have dieted. I have gained and lost weight. I have exercised too much. I have exercised too little. I have said the wrong thing. I have been politically incorrect. I have hurt people’s feelings. I have cried. I have made mistakes. I have cried because of mistakes I’ve made. I have cried for those who suffer. I have felt guilty for not suffering more. I have felt like shit when I’m suffering. I have tried to be an activist. I've been criticized for stirring the pot, and challenging someone's comfortable way to life. I have felt shame and guilt. I’ve been on anti-depressants. I’ve stopped taking my anti-depressants. I’ve been accused of being judgmental. I’ve been accused of not caring enough. I’ve been accused of caring too much. But… I have also learned to forgive. I’ve learned to forgive myself. I have learned to forgive others. I have learned to ask for forgiveness. I have loved deeply, and felt the joy of connection. I have been made aware of how precious life is, and grateful for those who have bestowed their precious time on me. I have found new faith—in a higher power, in humanity, and in myself. I have learned to love more selflessly and be less critical. I have learned to listen to my body. I have learned to rest more. I have learned to find and do what delights me. I have learned to accept myself as a whole person, and not an extension of the needs of my family. I have learned to appreciate my children as their own whole people, and not an extension of me. I have learned about true intimacy in a marriage, and how to foster that. I have learned that the more I trust myself, the happier my life becomes. I have learned that the happier I am, the less concerned I am with what others think about me, and the less critical I become. I have learned to judge people’s intentions rather than execution, and have begun extending the same courtesy to myself. I have learned to breathe deeply. I have learned that although there is pain, there is joy and it’s ok to feel both. I’m sure that many of these things I said resonated with you. I don’t know how this blog will evolve. I have gained enough wisdom to know that it's best not to look too far ahead. For now, it is my journal that I am sharing with you. My hope is that I will continue to learn as I practice these things, and that we can be a community of support to each other. I know that I will continue to make mistakes. I also know that as I continue to trust my inner voice, I will have the tools to fix them. We are all human, and life is a process of learning. I’m grateful to be walking this road and spreading good with you.
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A Happy forever is created of many intentional "nows" - The Molly Terry fable*Tick tock tick tock* the clock of life unceasingly dings in your ears! And does it ever stop? Nope! Then with this incessant ticking comes feelings of frustration, anxiety, and even fear knowing that just as time continues to roll, so do your responsibilities continue to build and your limitations continue to hold you back. But if you listen with a different ear, the peeling bells sound less like a daunting chime and more of an upbeat soundtrack for life cheering you along. Time doesn't have to be the menacing hammer or the skeptical judge. Time can be a sweet companion that simply witnesses the beauty of life and existence. But where is the difference? No one has forever, this is true. Birth is death's companion, but have you noticed that some people seem to be reborn every day and live happily with a youthful vigor even into their 90's? One of the ways we make the most of limited time - whether it be a day with a grandparent, a moment with our child, a week with a friend, or even our very mortal life that we know one day will end - is to both accept and embrace that consequences are real, no man is an island. Say people are islands, time is the ocean, our choices are stones. Each time we place a stone in the ocean, whether we violently throw it or gently hoist in down, inevitable ripples penetrate the surface and spread far into the distance, eventually colliding with other islands, even if unintentional. Each of us has such a vast capacity for good - to bless other people's lives and to enjoy the freedom of joy! Choose your stones wisely so that you can confidently throw each one as far as possible and peacefully envision the ripples' collisions. Purge your intentions. Talk about limited time, how about childhood? I've been struggling with our oldest this past week, many moments of frustration, raised voices, and timeouts have occurred. Luckily for me I have a lot of wonderful mothers in my life, so naturally I consulted 3 of them. Their advice was timeless and insightful. I had to purge my intentions. When being honest, my intention was to do what I wanted during the day despite my children and also to appear to be a great parent to those around me. My intention was not in fact to actually be the parent that Stella needed. Reflection, correction, and prayer have led to a much happier day today. It's a day where time is our friend, not our enemy. Thank goodness for rebirths! And forgiving children. Be grateful. Life is consistently full of both blessings and struggles (which often can turn into blessings). Bask in gratitude - everything looks different from that seat. Lastly, once you've purged your intentions, be present. As a very wise turtle once said... You think too much of what has been and what will be. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present.Thank you Kungfu Panda :)
Making the most of limited time is a constant pursuit for me, but when I take responsibility for myself, have pure intentions, am grateful, and live in the present, there always seems to be enough time :) From Sam... I am so blessed that I get so much joy from my family. If I could choose to spend all of my time with my parents, grandparents and siblings I would! But I understand that this is rare, and that many of you would feel like you were living some version of hell. So, for those of you who want nothing more than to NOT spend every waking moment with your family how can you build a family support system? A family is a "social unit" and can take many forms. If you look back at the evolution of humans there were three main purposes for family 1) to pro-create, 2) for safety, and 3) for enrichment. For the most part those three main purposes still apply. Now, when your relationships aren't creating safety or healthy, positive enrichment it might be a good time to re-configure your family unit. My husband and his dad haven't spoken in over 7 years because that was a relationship that neither fostered safety nor positive enrichment. When we had our own kids we were determined to create our own family support system that was healthy, safe, and enriching. We have also sought out friendships that were the same way because being in the military we consider our friends to be like an extension of family. So, for those of you who are a product of a dysfunctional family (which we all are to some degree) remember that you are not bound to repeat the same mistakes or behaviors, and you also don't have to drag that baggage around with you your entire life. You can create your own family support system with your own little family, your significant other, your dog, and/or your friends by seeking out individuals that create an enriching, safe environment. From Molly... "We are a family! I got all my sistas and me!" Sing it girl! Everyone needs love and support! As people we naturally crave sociability, though some more than others. Everyone searches for a sense of belonging, and the older I get, the more destructive avenues I see to fulfill this yearning. From my experience and observation, the stronger the family support structure, the less likely kids (and even adults for that matter) will seek belonging down a path that actually leads to their unhappiness. But how to we build and develop this support structure? For parents and grandparents: Make your children the priority, above all else and let them know how much you love them. Now that I have my own kids, I see how difficult this is. It's so easy for your kids to take a back seat (and we're not just talking about seat belt laws :)) to your own ambitions, your insecurities, your fears, or your perception about how other people view you, your kids, or your parenting. Kids need a foundation of security from their actual parents or a parental figure. I know that my mom was the mother of many more than 5 kids because she offered kids an relationship where they would be encouraged to be their very best and love even when they fell short of that. For aunts and uncles: Keep tabs on your nieces and nephews. I love when I hear from and aunt or uncle. We don't talk often, but every time we do I feel their love and genuine interest in my life. They express their support and concern for my family. I sooo much appreciate the work my siblings put in to building relationships with my kids. Emma spends a lot of time with my girls, helps with diapers, reads to Stella, and respects mine and Aaron's preferences. Sam, although in Texas, talks to Stella on the phone every few days, encourages relationships with her cousins, and often gets my kids little gifts when she's out and about. Andrew sits with his kids and types out letters to my kids on his typewriter and then mails them to us. Stella is always so thrilled to know she got her own mail and knows exactly who her uncle, aunt, and cousins are, even as far as Oklahoma. Brian always talks to Stella if he can hear her in the background of our phone call, sincerely asks how my kids are doing, and his wife helps set up video chatting dates with their kids and ours. Brian even has a special thing with Stella where when he sees her he kisses her hand and says "my lady" and she gets a sheepish little grin. These relationships take effort! It is so comforting to me to know that my kids will have the kind of relationships with their aunts and uncles that makes sending them for a week in the summer a viable option when my kiddos need to hear good advice from someone other than a parent. Siblings: Invest the time to really understand each other - with no competition. This is something I'm still working on. I love each of my siblings and their spouses, but there are still ways I just don't understand them and visa versa. Coming to understand them does take time and effort, but it is well worth the investment! I'd bet the biggest contributor to unfulfilling sibling relationships is a lack of understanding one another. Of course there are other deeper reasons, but in general, I bet this is the biggest. Competition on the other hand strangles relationships. Understanding helps with that too. Society as a whole: Support families. Encourage values of selflessness, fidelity, and hard work. You need all in happy family relationships. As a society, we need to use the word "love" less and use phrases like these more: help build lasting happiness, encourage self-confidence, empower to improve, see the good, selflessly guide. These are truly love. Our society often talks about "love" as if love is saying "you're awesome, I accept you just how you are and support you!" right as the person is walking toward a cliff. People don't just want to be accepted how they are - they want people to see all the good in them and their potential and then lovingly help with what needs to be corrected. We all have things that need to be corrected. My strongest relationships are with people who see all the good in me and then lovingly help me change the bad or dysfunctional. For those without happy family circumstances: Make a new family. Like I said earlier, my mom "adopted" a lot of kids when we were younger. I have a lot of friends who's families also have "adopted" kids or were the adopted kid. What their own family couldn't supply, they searched for in another family or relationships. Of course it would be ideal if each of us found this in our own nuclear family, but that isn't realistic - that doesn't mean you can't break the mold. I have a few dear friends who are working hard to build their own healthy families despite their dysfunctional upbringing. I admire them so much! There are many many people who want to love, teach, and encourage you. Cling to those people in your life - the people you know will make you a better person and contribute to your lasting happiness. From Emma... If someone asked you what family is, what would you say? The following is the definition. Though this is the "technical" definition, I disagree! A family is so much more than just living bodies in a structure. It's an intricate web of sharing and experience, memories and laughter, hurt and healing. There is a simple fact when it comes to any relationship; it's complicated. And it's simple. In my experience you can't have one without the other. The simple part is that you love each other. The complicated part is everything else. Growing up in a close family, we definitely had our share of 'stuff.' And we are talkers. Picture a very loud party with lots of laughter, varying opinions, and too many thoughts to take inventory of. That's us in a nutshell. But don't forget the overwhelming feeling of love and support. We are the kind that would say something unintentionally hurtful and then feel so guilty about it if ever we found out we had! We are all different but because of the common factor; love; we are able to support each other. That doesn't mean we always agree. That's an unrealistic expectation in any relationship. It does mean though that if any of my siblings called and said they really needed me, as long as it didn't negatively affect my husband or kids, I would be there in a second. My sister in-law, Sarah (she's married to my brother Andrew), described it well: It's like an onion, layered, and each layer helps you have a more full life. Every family operates on a different plane. My husbands family communicates and interacts in completely different ways than mine. It still works! And it's a blast. For some people, family is just a house. They are missing out! Every family can have a home. Look to the yellow highlight below. We each come from generations of both put together and screwed up. The unique history is what makes it OUR family tree, and that's special. You are a breathing manifestation of someone else's sacrifice. We can flourish if we focus on gratitude and love. I'm proud of where I come from, the good and the bad, because those things are what make me, me.
As we cultivate a safe environment filled with love, we can establish and maintain a support system that lasts beyond disagreements, lifestyle choices we may not agree with, tragedy and any other ailment. The prescription is always the same: love and understanding. And a little patience also helps ;) Think of someone in your life who you think has it all together. They have a great marriage, they and/or their husband has a great job, they make great money, their kids are adorable and perfectly groomed, they wear designer apparel, drive nice cars, have a gorgeous house, and seem like they have it made. It's hard to not feel a little bit envious isn't it? Well, STOP IT! Your perception of that person probably couldn't be farther from the truth. Want to know how I know? Because I'm a doctor's wife. And let me tell you, there's nothing glamorous about it! When Aaron and I got married 9 1/2 years ago I was just shy of 20, and he was 22. We were young, in love, naive, hopeful, and (like many of you) completely unaware of the struggles we would face. When we started medical school it was a consistent uphill battle. During his first year of medical school I worked part-time at a gym so that I could get my membership fee waived (we were determined not to take out any loans our first year), I stayed at home with Charlotte often doing dinner, bedtime, and special events alone, I worked tirelessly to complete and defend my masters degree, and I had a miscarriage (oh, and in medical school you don't get to take a sick day when that happens). Five days before Aaron started his second year of medical I had our second child (three weeks early due to an emergency induction), and had just been hired as a public health professor. During the first three months of MS2 our son was having serious health issues, Aaron's schedule was about 5am-10pm Monday-Sunday and all the stress caused him to break out in shingles (you also don't get to take off work/school for shingles when you're in the medical profession), our marriage was suffering, and so were his academics. When he met with his mentor she told him that he and his family needed to understand that medical school was the most important thing, and his family needed to take a back seat. (As you can imagine, it didn't go over well.) Our marriage is the thing that this lifestyle has taken the most toll on. We have been in counseling together, done an intensive marriage workshop, and have worked really hard to make things work--especially now that we have kids. Over the past 9 years of my life I have received many thoughtless and insensitive remarks from others. Some of the most common ones are 1) if this is so hard on your family why don't you do something else?; 2) Well, at least he's going to be a doctor; 3) if it was MY husband, I'd just make him call in; 4) Just think, one day you'll have more money than you know what to do with. I'll address these individually: 1) Sometimes we don't have the ability to up and change our situation, and since everyone needs money to live we don't have the luxury of switching careers. We are not only over $100,000 in school debt, but we also have a contract with the army that says that he will practice as a physician for them for 4 years after his resident training is completed. If he were to "quit" the path to being a doctor he would work for the army doing who knows what for 4 years, we would have a lot of debt, and a human biology degree to fall back on. I'm sure you can all imagine how stressful that would be in your own lives. 2) Can I just say that this is one of the worst things that people have said. It completely dismisses anything difficult going on in life. When Finn was sick and I was running to 3 appointments a week, trying a finish moving into our house, and was parenting an infant and 2 year old completely solo the hope that someday in the unforeseeable future Aaron would be a doctor wasn't a consolation at all! It's not helpful to try to console someone based on a future job title, right? In fact, it doesn't even make sense. 3) If my husband calls in and doesn't go to work he fails his rotation. In fact, he tested positive for influenza A on Thursday and he had to go work in the ICU Monday. He has also been required to work when he tested positive for strep throat. For those of you who don't, or whose spouse doesn't, get sick days or paid time off you understand this. 4) As helpful as money is, it doesn't fix a broken home/marriage, or make up for birthdays,weddings, funerals and/or holidays that have been missed. Our family will never get those moments back because money can't turn back time. Now, I'm sure it sounds like I hate my life which absolutely isn't true. I have a wonderful life. I have chosen to fill it with people that love and support my family and me. And I'm fortunate that my kids and I are pretty adaptable. But when I hear people make insensitive comments about money/title/status regarding doctors and/or their wives and families I have to believe that it's simply because they don't understand that this lifestyle is a huge sacrifice. When I asked a group of doctor wives what they think is the hardest thing about/the biggest misconceptions are about being a doctor's wife these were some of the most common answers: -We don't have any "real" problems because he's a doctor. -That medical school and training was easy because Dr. Husband is smart. -That we have a ton of money and so we don't have any problems. -People don't understand why my husband is scheduled to get off at 5pm, but doesn't get home until 10pm. -I can't ever make plans regarding my husband because I never know his schedule for sure or when he'll be home. -I feel like a single parent. -People think my life is glamorous, but they don't realize that I worked to put him through school, raised him babies practically alone, and only saw him a couple of hours a week for years. -We get to go on vacation all the time, but Dr. Husband hasn't had time off in months. I'm sure that all of you can relate to some of these things. But I hope the the next time you see someone who appears to be doing well that you are kind and remember that nobody is free from difficulty or hardship. And when you're in the waiting room and your doctor is running 30 minutes behind it might be because he just had to tell a family that their child has leukemia, or he had to admit someone to the hospital, or he spent extra time teaching someone how to give themselves insulin injections. We are all people, and we are all trying to do our best. And you can't ever go wrong by being a little bit more kind. And don't ever forget that behind this image there are a million of these images that you don't see. :) From Sam... It's truly incredible what human beings can do when they put their mind to it. One of my favorite things about being a parent is watching my kids do something confidently. Charlotte saw a rock-climbing wall at a community event and insisted she needed to climb to the top. After her third attempt she made it. When she came down she said, "Mom! I was so scared, but when I got scared I'd say in my head 'you are strong and brave! You can do it!'" For Charlotte's birthday, my friend Kelsey gave her the book "She Persisted" by Chelsea Clinton. It talks about 13 women in history who were unlikely to do anything of measurable significance with their lives, but because they persisted they were able to do remarkable things. (It's a great read, and I tear jerker if you have daughters.) My point is, when in our lives do we lose that butt-kicking confidence we had as kids? What was is in life that told us we couldn't do things? I think it happens sometime around late elementary school and gets worse through puberty. But what if we could tap into that confidence that we used to have when we were little, when any obstacle that stood in our way was just a challenge for us to take on. I hope that we can take a lesson from our littles and say to ourselves, "I am strong! I am brave! And I can do it!" From Molly. This video inspires me so much, and that is what I want to share this week! Make someone's world a better place today and go spread the good! www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIap75aAVNA In the 90's with four little kids and one on the way, my mom attended a congregation. She met a friend there who shared a phrase my mom would later adopt; "I'm a willow, I can bend." I've heard this adage many times growing up and as I've grown personally, I too have adopted it as a mantra. Jordan and I drove home to Washington for the holiday this year. As our tires pounded the asphalt on various freeways and interstates, I took pictures to commemorate the journey. At one point, we came across a beautifully serene scene, with what looked to be a fresh snow. Blue skies saddled up to the tops of tall evergreens and clear roads left a straight shot to anywhere. At full speed ahead, time passed quickly. A short while later, however, we approached a mountain pass and though things seemed clear at first, the scene around us rapidly changed until our car was surrounded with fog, and visibility was minimal at best. In this moment, I felt the fear of not knowing and the danger of moving so quickly, hyper aware of the potential disaster. So, I slowed down and paid more attention. After a time of worry the fog began to break, my knuckles turned from white to pink on the steering wheel, and I sat with poorer posture in the drivers seat. Sometimes life is the same way. We speed down the freeway, everything clear as far as the eye can see. It becomes common so we take it for granted. We have a direction. We have a purpose. And we have the fuel to travel full speed ahead. But what about when life isn't that way? What about when things don't go according to plan and we find ourselves surrounded by fog, sometimes of our own making? I noticed as my tires continued to gain mileage, climbing higher into the mountains, the same fear I was feeling sometimes accompanies me through unknowns in life. With each passing mile, as I took it slow and handled the situation one foot at a time, things began to clear until... The things that were around me when I took the first photo were still there: snow covered trees, blue sky, and clear roads. I just couldn't see them. I allowed fear to govern my experience when my expectations about what the journey should be, was not my circumstance.
I didn't expect the fog on the drive. Similarly, we don't always anticipate the fog that comes in our lives and manifests in many different ways. It can feel challenging to accept reality over what our expectations are. But when we keep our focus on that ultimate goal and take things one foot at a time, the fog clears. With gratitude, we can look forward and see the beauty of our present surroundings. There can never be pain without comfort, sorrow without joy. How often do we overcomplicate living? What if it really comes down to looking around and saying, as that woman did in that congregation 25 years ago, "I'm a willow, I can bend?" |
who we areSpread the Good: Three sisters embracing the human experience, ups and downs included, inviting others to join the celebration.
AuthorsThree sisters, three years apart, three words: Spread the Good Archives
January 2021
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